Daily Prayer

Cleaning one's room is really not an easy task. There are so many memories. I throw something into the garbage can / recycling bin, then a few minutes later pick it up again and put it back into the pile of paper. Amongst the paper are my high school notes, notes that friends wrote to me a long time ago, notes that I wrote to friends (or ex's) that never got mailed out... Tonight will be a long nite struggling with throwing / not throwing things away....

Anyways, before I throw this piece of paper, I want to record this down in my blog. I remember writing it down 9 years ago because I found it so hilariously true... still do:

Daily Prayer

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. Then I'm going to need a LOT of help. Thank you. Amen.

Pursuit of Happyness

There are movies where you see the preview and you pretty much know the whole storyline. There is no surprise. No need to worry about the sudden downfall of the protagonist. The story is as it should be.

"The Pursuit of Happyness" is one of them. Ever since I saw the movie trailer back in the summer (I think?), I have wanted to see this movie. And I finally did today. Quite a few friends have seen it and said that they were disappointed. But for me, it did what it was supposed to do. Tell an inspiring story that encourages people not to give up their dreams but instead go for what they want, with all the determination and will power they have. It's a very simple story, yet however predictable it is, it still touches me.

I think movies such as these are just like good quotes--the words paint a powerful picture of either a facet of human nature (usually highlights of a certain virtue) or someteimes a reality.

Anyways, this movie brings to mind 2 of my fav quotes--one borrowed from a friend:
1) "Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability."
2) "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I came out of the movie theatre; when the smell of the pop corn hit me, I suddenly felt ashamed. Such a luxurious world we live in.

A new perspective

Past Tuesday I went to UGM to volunteer with W. Originally I was kinda depressed from work (can you believe it: not because I was stressed from having too much to do but because I was bored to death)... and I just wanted a quiet night at his place and vegged out in front of TV... But he being him of course wanted to volunteer--said there might not be enough ppl helping out--Well, I figure its the only weekday I could hang out with him (Wed I had dressed rehearsal at church; Thurs and Fri are different fellowship days), at least we would be together (OK, I admitted I wasn't entirely enthusiastic because we weren't _exactly_ "spending time with each other").

The drive from work to his place and then to UGM was horrible... Vancouverites seem to never get used to rainy weather. After 2 hours + x accidents on different roads, we finally arrived at UGM. Its kinda funny--didn't matter how bad a mood I was as I walked in the door, the moment we started putting aprons on and helping with different kitchen tasks, I was all calm again.

Somehow in the back of my mind, I always have that feeling that homeless people are mostly"from another world"--we reach out and help when we can, but that world wouldn't really touch us. But this time a conversation I had with another kitchen helper really hit home a bit.

So, I was helping to distribute coffee on the tables with another guy. He's kinda thin, with grayish beard and messy hair. I know I'm stereotyping, but if I saw him on the street I would almost assume that he were homeless. He was friendly and asked me what I do for work. I told him that I do project management at a pharmaceutical company. Fearing that he might not understand what that is, I rushed to explain things in simpler term....

To my surprise, he then said, "Oh, good... x years ago I was also working at a R&D company in Ottawa. We were a medical device company (he told me the name but I couldn't catch it), and I was the IT manager there--I set up all the databases in the company." He then told me what the med device product they manufactured and what the use was... I don't even quite remember now--all I got was, he definitely knew what he was talking about. He went on to say that he was actually a resident in the drug and alcohol program at UGM and he checked himself in a couple of weeks ago, so now he's helping out in the kitchen.

To be honest, I was partly ashamed and also partly "enlightened". I don't know why: the possibility of successful/sophisticated people would end up on the street/being a drug or alcohol addict actually surprised me. We hear all these sad stories in the news--and then we dismiss them as "other" people--people who are outside our circle. For some reason actually talking to this guy made me realize that everyone, no matter how strong they are, *could* make mistakes and end up in a place that they never intend to. Most importantly, that includes me.

I remember W saying once that after he volunteers here for so long, he sees a lot of familiar/regular faces--and he was wondering sometimes whether these people actually "chose" to be homeless or they just gave up the opportunity to get out of the street.

And suddenly, my heart goes out to these people. I'm still a sheltered little girl, and I may not be able to help much. But at least I am starting to understand how important a simple heart of kindness and willingness-to-help is. Maybe it's just a meal that I help putting onto someone's plate, but this is more a lesson for me to keep my perspective of life straightened.

Perhaps next year I will start volunteering here regularly as well.

God's sovereignty

This came sooooooo in-time I can't believe how much God knows me.

"What you think about God has everything to do with how you live your life. Even if you think you have no theology, you do. And your view of God has everything to do with how you react to everything in life. I have no way of knowing where you are at this moment (what the issues are that you may be struggling with)--but the great temptation is to think that I'm all on my own... Or even in unguarded moments to think that no one has ever gone through this thing... or even worse to think: "I just wished God knew."

From Chuck Swindoll - Insight for Living
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=2006-12-18

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Amazing! I found out I can actually download transcripts!! Now I don't have to listen anymore!

Honesty

I wonder if I am too honest, or that I'm too naive.

I always appreciate geniune people. People who I don't need to doubt what they say or whose character I just know. No games need to be played and no one needs to pretend. I don't need to read people like an open book, but I can trust what people say to me (if they choose to tell me things). No doubt I also sometimes struggle with the dilemma between being "true" (to who I am) and being diplomatic about what happens surrounding me. But in general I'm a pretty blunt and straight forward person (who does think a lot and who has quite a bit of opinion about a lot of things).

It's so strange that I just said not long to people that I don't think I need to seek forgiveness / that I don't really hold any grudges against anyone... and today I found myself quite mad. I don't even know what I am angry about (or whether it's worth it). Or I guess I know but I don't want to admit it, because supposedly it is none of my business. I don't even know why this would get on my nerve.

But today I rediscovered the need to guard myself and the need to "not care" as much. Such an un-Christian thing to say. I definitely need to calm down and seek God's help in this.

Anyways, another thing that I will need to address: more and more I feel my reluctancy in leaving Vancouver for a new job (esp when these opportunities are popping up). My reluctancy comes in 3-fold:
1) At the end of the day, I cannot justify putting my career advancement over a relationship that I cherish. A friend always teases me that I was just too headstrong when I boldly declared I could pack and go anywhere for a new experience should an opportunity comes (who doesn't know there are more jobs down south.)
2) There is so much "unfinished" business I feel compelled to take care of. There are so many ideas that I have in ministry that I want to take part in. So many new things I want to try (will detail this in a future post). If I leave now, it just doesn't... feel right.
3) If I really want to settle down in a big pharma, I need more experience. In the past couple of weeks going through tons of job postings, this is quite clear to me. At the very least I need another 1.5 year and a designation. Even for myself I still feel a bit insecure in my practical knowledge of project management, having worked in this area for only 1.5 years (and only experience in one company). There is no better place to get this experience in a smaller company.

Where God takes me, I don't know. But I have a slight inkling that He wants me to stay... at least for the moment. Maybe I was just too excited about possible opportunities that I was willing myself to believe that everything else can fit into my decision.

Hmm... guess I digress too much. Today I seem to be in the mood of blahing out everything I have in mind... it's a good thing =)

Finally

Now that I can finally see the end of my AOM life, fogs are beginning to clear up.

To be honest, I still don't know how I feel. To say that I am completely not affected is a lie. In one day, ~75% of people are told that they'll be gone w/in a couple of months--some have expected to be let go, but others have not. For me, I have tried to prepare myself mentally in the past few months of this possibility that I cannot follow the project to the end, but when the moment came there was still a sense of disappointment. I really am too attached to the project (and the company I suppose) than I'm willing to admit.

I *know* that I'm being let go not because I'm not good at what I do--it's just a business decision. Initially I did question the acquirer's understanding of what needs to be done to ensure that we can file on time (After all, it is *my* project and I know best!)... but after a few more days of thinking, I knew I had to swallow my pride and just let go.

Yeah, it's time to move on. Whatever tomorrow will hold, I will embrace.

Resistance to change

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

What can I say? Admittedly, everyone at our company read this quote last Fri from our HR manager with a bittersweet feeling (me included). From Sept on, we have known that this moment is coming. And in my previous blog I have expressed my excitement regarding the yet-unopened doors of opportunities. From afar I had wanted to move on, change my environment and learn more. But now I am actually right in front of the closed door, with my hand reached out to the door knob and about to learn of my "future" in the company, I hesitate and I am nervous.

No matter how much I kinda "wanted" changes, my nature still betrays me. Does my faith not tell me that God will take care of everything? Yes! But why am I still weak? No wonder they always say that most people under pressure will choose the certain present over the uncertain future--even when the future presents greater opportunities. (An example would be that if your boss tells you that you get a lump sum of $1000 as a bonus NOW vs. $100 per month of salary raise--many could choose to get the lump sum, thinking that who knows how long they may be employed!!)

Anyways, I chatted with my project management class about my uneasiness over the whole matter, and they really show tremendous support for me. Quite a few of them have gone through the same thing, and all told me that in hindsight that was the best thing that happened to them, because 1) they got to explore opportunities that they otherwise won't go to, and 2) they got to do some soul-searching and take a deep breath. They keep advising me not to accept the first job offer I receive--"Just take some time to pause and think before you do anything," they say.

Hmmmm... I won't hide the fact that I'm nervous and feel a bit weak at the moment, but I also know for sure things will turn out to be OK. Such is the dichotomy of what I know to be true and my emotional experience...

14 hours more and I will stand again.

Quality--what is it really?

Today's the first day of our Quality module for the Project management program. Originally, I wasn't really sure what would be talked about exactly (and how many cups of coffee I would need to stay awake). But I was sooooo pleasantly surprised. The presenter is nothing short of fun. I love the real-life illustrations that he gave. His sense of humor really made the whole class awake in such a xxx topic =) Even though some of the things he says are kinda more about risks than Quality, he gave me such a fresh perspective about quality I'm no longer looking at this aspect of PM in an eye-rolling way....

Examples of what I learned (interestingly, these are really very common sense--but it was so refreshing to hear):
- Quality is nothing more than spec. If you can manage and translate all the expectations down to a set of specs, you're home free. Quality is really about you doing what you said you would do (meeting predefined requirements).
- There is a huge difference between grade and quality. Also Quality <> goodness.
- Most of the mistakes are process driven, so don't go around finding scapegoats (blaming people)
- How to turn scope creep into scope opportunity.
- The difference between audit and inspection. Fix the process; quality needs to be designed in--you can't build quality by inspection/testing.
- If you're a project manager and you can't run effective meetings or update progress on a timeline that you say you should, then you can't expect others to adhere to your timelines. Lead by example.
- Distinction between Quality Assurance (giving confidence to people that you will do what you say you will do) and Quality Control (conformance).

I also find it quite surprising that almost half an hour was devoted to talking about how to combat the resistance of change in the workplace... I mean, my faith does not allow me to believe in the whole new-age concept of "you are master of your fate", "Truth is what we perceive reality to be in our mind."(I had to admit, when I heard that philosophical statement, the alarm bell was totally going off in my head). But certainly as a form of motivation strategies it is often used (and getting more popular in the corporate world). The technique of visualizing achievement of the so-called "impossible", and the idea of including your goal in the "boundary of possibilities" to make it attainable.

Anyways... I don't actually know what I want to say--I am just geniunely delighted to hear presenters who bring so much insight about human nature/human life into a topic that generally doesn't ellicit that much interest. It's almost unthinkable that I'm looking forward to a SECOND day of a quality module =) I almost feel that if need be, I actually can work in the Quality field.