Daily Prayer

Cleaning one's room is really not an easy task. There are so many memories. I throw something into the garbage can / recycling bin, then a few minutes later pick it up again and put it back into the pile of paper. Amongst the paper are my high school notes, notes that friends wrote to me a long time ago, notes that I wrote to friends (or ex's) that never got mailed out... Tonight will be a long nite struggling with throwing / not throwing things away....

Anyways, before I throw this piece of paper, I want to record this down in my blog. I remember writing it down 9 years ago because I found it so hilariously true... still do:

Daily Prayer

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. Then I'm going to need a LOT of help. Thank you. Amen.

Pursuit of Happyness

There are movies where you see the preview and you pretty much know the whole storyline. There is no surprise. No need to worry about the sudden downfall of the protagonist. The story is as it should be.

"The Pursuit of Happyness" is one of them. Ever since I saw the movie trailer back in the summer (I think?), I have wanted to see this movie. And I finally did today. Quite a few friends have seen it and said that they were disappointed. But for me, it did what it was supposed to do. Tell an inspiring story that encourages people not to give up their dreams but instead go for what they want, with all the determination and will power they have. It's a very simple story, yet however predictable it is, it still touches me.

I think movies such as these are just like good quotes--the words paint a powerful picture of either a facet of human nature (usually highlights of a certain virtue) or someteimes a reality.

Anyways, this movie brings to mind 2 of my fav quotes--one borrowed from a friend:
1) "Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability."
2) "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I came out of the movie theatre; when the smell of the pop corn hit me, I suddenly felt ashamed. Such a luxurious world we live in.

A new perspective

Past Tuesday I went to UGM to volunteer with W. Originally I was kinda depressed from work (can you believe it: not because I was stressed from having too much to do but because I was bored to death)... and I just wanted a quiet night at his place and vegged out in front of TV... But he being him of course wanted to volunteer--said there might not be enough ppl helping out--Well, I figure its the only weekday I could hang out with him (Wed I had dressed rehearsal at church; Thurs and Fri are different fellowship days), at least we would be together (OK, I admitted I wasn't entirely enthusiastic because we weren't _exactly_ "spending time with each other").

The drive from work to his place and then to UGM was horrible... Vancouverites seem to never get used to rainy weather. After 2 hours + x accidents on different roads, we finally arrived at UGM. Its kinda funny--didn't matter how bad a mood I was as I walked in the door, the moment we started putting aprons on and helping with different kitchen tasks, I was all calm again.

Somehow in the back of my mind, I always have that feeling that homeless people are mostly"from another world"--we reach out and help when we can, but that world wouldn't really touch us. But this time a conversation I had with another kitchen helper really hit home a bit.

So, I was helping to distribute coffee on the tables with another guy. He's kinda thin, with grayish beard and messy hair. I know I'm stereotyping, but if I saw him on the street I would almost assume that he were homeless. He was friendly and asked me what I do for work. I told him that I do project management at a pharmaceutical company. Fearing that he might not understand what that is, I rushed to explain things in simpler term....

To my surprise, he then said, "Oh, good... x years ago I was also working at a R&D company in Ottawa. We were a medical device company (he told me the name but I couldn't catch it), and I was the IT manager there--I set up all the databases in the company." He then told me what the med device product they manufactured and what the use was... I don't even quite remember now--all I got was, he definitely knew what he was talking about. He went on to say that he was actually a resident in the drug and alcohol program at UGM and he checked himself in a couple of weeks ago, so now he's helping out in the kitchen.

To be honest, I was partly ashamed and also partly "enlightened". I don't know why: the possibility of successful/sophisticated people would end up on the street/being a drug or alcohol addict actually surprised me. We hear all these sad stories in the news--and then we dismiss them as "other" people--people who are outside our circle. For some reason actually talking to this guy made me realize that everyone, no matter how strong they are, *could* make mistakes and end up in a place that they never intend to. Most importantly, that includes me.

I remember W saying once that after he volunteers here for so long, he sees a lot of familiar/regular faces--and he was wondering sometimes whether these people actually "chose" to be homeless or they just gave up the opportunity to get out of the street.

And suddenly, my heart goes out to these people. I'm still a sheltered little girl, and I may not be able to help much. But at least I am starting to understand how important a simple heart of kindness and willingness-to-help is. Maybe it's just a meal that I help putting onto someone's plate, but this is more a lesson for me to keep my perspective of life straightened.

Perhaps next year I will start volunteering here regularly as well.

God's sovereignty

This came sooooooo in-time I can't believe how much God knows me.

"What you think about God has everything to do with how you live your life. Even if you think you have no theology, you do. And your view of God has everything to do with how you react to everything in life. I have no way of knowing where you are at this moment (what the issues are that you may be struggling with)--but the great temptation is to think that I'm all on my own... Or even in unguarded moments to think that no one has ever gone through this thing... or even worse to think: "I just wished God knew."

From Chuck Swindoll - Insight for Living
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=2006-12-18

***
Amazing! I found out I can actually download transcripts!! Now I don't have to listen anymore!

Honesty

I wonder if I am too honest, or that I'm too naive.

I always appreciate geniune people. People who I don't need to doubt what they say or whose character I just know. No games need to be played and no one needs to pretend. I don't need to read people like an open book, but I can trust what people say to me (if they choose to tell me things). No doubt I also sometimes struggle with the dilemma between being "true" (to who I am) and being diplomatic about what happens surrounding me. But in general I'm a pretty blunt and straight forward person (who does think a lot and who has quite a bit of opinion about a lot of things).

It's so strange that I just said not long to people that I don't think I need to seek forgiveness / that I don't really hold any grudges against anyone... and today I found myself quite mad. I don't even know what I am angry about (or whether it's worth it). Or I guess I know but I don't want to admit it, because supposedly it is none of my business. I don't even know why this would get on my nerve.

But today I rediscovered the need to guard myself and the need to "not care" as much. Such an un-Christian thing to say. I definitely need to calm down and seek God's help in this.

Anyways, another thing that I will need to address: more and more I feel my reluctancy in leaving Vancouver for a new job (esp when these opportunities are popping up). My reluctancy comes in 3-fold:
1) At the end of the day, I cannot justify putting my career advancement over a relationship that I cherish. A friend always teases me that I was just too headstrong when I boldly declared I could pack and go anywhere for a new experience should an opportunity comes (who doesn't know there are more jobs down south.)
2) There is so much "unfinished" business I feel compelled to take care of. There are so many ideas that I have in ministry that I want to take part in. So many new things I want to try (will detail this in a future post). If I leave now, it just doesn't... feel right.
3) If I really want to settle down in a big pharma, I need more experience. In the past couple of weeks going through tons of job postings, this is quite clear to me. At the very least I need another 1.5 year and a designation. Even for myself I still feel a bit insecure in my practical knowledge of project management, having worked in this area for only 1.5 years (and only experience in one company). There is no better place to get this experience in a smaller company.

Where God takes me, I don't know. But I have a slight inkling that He wants me to stay... at least for the moment. Maybe I was just too excited about possible opportunities that I was willing myself to believe that everything else can fit into my decision.

Hmm... guess I digress too much. Today I seem to be in the mood of blahing out everything I have in mind... it's a good thing =)

Finally

Now that I can finally see the end of my AOM life, fogs are beginning to clear up.

To be honest, I still don't know how I feel. To say that I am completely not affected is a lie. In one day, ~75% of people are told that they'll be gone w/in a couple of months--some have expected to be let go, but others have not. For me, I have tried to prepare myself mentally in the past few months of this possibility that I cannot follow the project to the end, but when the moment came there was still a sense of disappointment. I really am too attached to the project (and the company I suppose) than I'm willing to admit.

I *know* that I'm being let go not because I'm not good at what I do--it's just a business decision. Initially I did question the acquirer's understanding of what needs to be done to ensure that we can file on time (After all, it is *my* project and I know best!)... but after a few more days of thinking, I knew I had to swallow my pride and just let go.

Yeah, it's time to move on. Whatever tomorrow will hold, I will embrace.

Resistance to change

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

What can I say? Admittedly, everyone at our company read this quote last Fri from our HR manager with a bittersweet feeling (me included). From Sept on, we have known that this moment is coming. And in my previous blog I have expressed my excitement regarding the yet-unopened doors of opportunities. From afar I had wanted to move on, change my environment and learn more. But now I am actually right in front of the closed door, with my hand reached out to the door knob and about to learn of my "future" in the company, I hesitate and I am nervous.

No matter how much I kinda "wanted" changes, my nature still betrays me. Does my faith not tell me that God will take care of everything? Yes! But why am I still weak? No wonder they always say that most people under pressure will choose the certain present over the uncertain future--even when the future presents greater opportunities. (An example would be that if your boss tells you that you get a lump sum of $1000 as a bonus NOW vs. $100 per month of salary raise--many could choose to get the lump sum, thinking that who knows how long they may be employed!!)

Anyways, I chatted with my project management class about my uneasiness over the whole matter, and they really show tremendous support for me. Quite a few of them have gone through the same thing, and all told me that in hindsight that was the best thing that happened to them, because 1) they got to explore opportunities that they otherwise won't go to, and 2) they got to do some soul-searching and take a deep breath. They keep advising me not to accept the first job offer I receive--"Just take some time to pause and think before you do anything," they say.

Hmmmm... I won't hide the fact that I'm nervous and feel a bit weak at the moment, but I also know for sure things will turn out to be OK. Such is the dichotomy of what I know to be true and my emotional experience...

14 hours more and I will stand again.

Quality--what is it really?

Today's the first day of our Quality module for the Project management program. Originally, I wasn't really sure what would be talked about exactly (and how many cups of coffee I would need to stay awake). But I was sooooo pleasantly surprised. The presenter is nothing short of fun. I love the real-life illustrations that he gave. His sense of humor really made the whole class awake in such a xxx topic =) Even though some of the things he says are kinda more about risks than Quality, he gave me such a fresh perspective about quality I'm no longer looking at this aspect of PM in an eye-rolling way....

Examples of what I learned (interestingly, these are really very common sense--but it was so refreshing to hear):
- Quality is nothing more than spec. If you can manage and translate all the expectations down to a set of specs, you're home free. Quality is really about you doing what you said you would do (meeting predefined requirements).
- There is a huge difference between grade and quality. Also Quality <> goodness.
- Most of the mistakes are process driven, so don't go around finding scapegoats (blaming people)
- How to turn scope creep into scope opportunity.
- The difference between audit and inspection. Fix the process; quality needs to be designed in--you can't build quality by inspection/testing.
- If you're a project manager and you can't run effective meetings or update progress on a timeline that you say you should, then you can't expect others to adhere to your timelines. Lead by example.
- Distinction between Quality Assurance (giving confidence to people that you will do what you say you will do) and Quality Control (conformance).

I also find it quite surprising that almost half an hour was devoted to talking about how to combat the resistance of change in the workplace... I mean, my faith does not allow me to believe in the whole new-age concept of "you are master of your fate", "Truth is what we perceive reality to be in our mind."(I had to admit, when I heard that philosophical statement, the alarm bell was totally going off in my head). But certainly as a form of motivation strategies it is often used (and getting more popular in the corporate world). The technique of visualizing achievement of the so-called "impossible", and the idea of including your goal in the "boundary of possibilities" to make it attainable.

Anyways... I don't actually know what I want to say--I am just geniunely delighted to hear presenters who bring so much insight about human nature/human life into a topic that generally doesn't ellicit that much interest. It's almost unthinkable that I'm looking forward to a SECOND day of a quality module =) I almost feel that if need be, I actually can work in the Quality field.

It's all a matter of how you look at things

In the past few days I have learned a lot about carbon monoxide safety.

The whole episode started back on Sunday night--I went to Laundry room to pick up my clothes, and somehow something just didn't feel right. I don't know why I did it but I opened the door and took a peak at the boiler. Pilot light was out. We had no heat. Knowing that the next few days Vancouver would be coming down to a deep freeze, I turned to other people for help (I have absolutely no clue about these things). My friend was so nice he immediately came to my place and helped us get the pilot light on again.

Monday morning when I checked on the pilot light (which was still on) I thought I smelled gas. Being paranoid, I called Terasen Gas to come and check it. But the person who came said that there is no gas leak--but that we had another problem. There is unusually high level of Carbon monoxide ("Dangerous" the technician said). The technician was tempted to shut off our gas, but finally agreed not to do so, knowing that we were going to have -10 to -20 oC weather in the next few days. He advised us to get better ventilation and clean our heat exchanger.

From that point on I was getting paranoid. Because CO is colorless and odourless, and ESPECIALLY because we still didn't know exactly what's wrong, I was quite worried about my Mom being at home all the time. So I ended up calling her every other hour to make sure that things are still "ok"... I read up on tons of info about carbon monoxide and natural gas... different types of CO alarms and their reviews, etc. etc. Without any hesitation I went to buy 2 CO alarms (one is supposedly the best brand and also detects natural gas and propane). I tried to sleep with alertness (didn't work very well, but I tried :P). Admittedly I was paranoid.

Two days have gone by. We still haven't had the heat exchanger cleaned yet... but we have survived the coldest 2 days--with heat and without dying of CO poisoning. So yah, it's all a matter of how one looks at things. Comparatively we are way luckier than a lot other Lower Mainland homes who may have no heat and no power... And I am very thankful because I know God's protection's behind me... and W (+other friends) who prayed for safety and peace of mind...

Listen!

Today we had the Day 1 of the 3rd module for our Project management program. The module is on communication management. Today went by very quickly, because it was no theory and was all soft-skills, experience sharing (we got to vent about all the "unpleasant" experiences / communication challenges we face at our workplace!)... it was quite relaxing.

We did an exercise in the afternoon... sort of a role playing thing. We are supposed to either talk (about a problem we have at work) for 7-8 minutes or listen for 7-8 minutes. If we are listening, then we can only ask questions and not try to solve the person's problem. Boy--I always thought I am somewhat of a good listener (at least that's what my friends *usually* say)... but it was really difficult. I had to mentally hold myself back (I even bit my tongue at one point) to try not to analyze situations and start offering solution! Listening well is not easy at all.

oh, and apparently in terms of communication style, I'm both "spirited" (high assertiveness, high expressiveness) and "systematic" (low assertiveness, low expressiveness). Then of course my class teased me for being a schizophrenic=) Funny even tho I don't see myself as a systematic person, I am starting to see traits of my systematic side... like I want to document everything at work and I like to break down tasks for people, paying attention to details of what needs to be done. Hmmm....

Too bad I have to wait till Monday to attend my Day 2 of the module. And I have to go to Victoria as well! So much trouble :(

Random Thoughts

Finally, the day has come. We are no longer AnorMEDians.

With the change of hands past Tues came a lot of depressing conversations in the hallways. People are anxiously waiting for that big date in a month where we are going to be told whether our positions are redundant. It's actually interesting as events unfold this year. Surely it has been a very tough year for all of us in the company...

Maybe I'm a little bit of an optimist. Maybe I have worked in the company for more than 5 years already--I don't know. But for some reason I still don't feel the anxiety. I mean, at times I'm a little nervous. Most of the time, however, I still feel the dedication in me to work; and, if necessary, I'll work long hours to get things done. This has raised some eyebrows from some people, but I guess I don't really care =)

These days I actually feel very content. It is as if nothing really worries me or affects me much. My friend just reminds me again today: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1). I admit I am not at this "level" yet. But more and more I see the need to lift everything up to Him. And He will make my path straight. Whatever happens He'll help me put into the right perspective and make the right decision.

Interestingly I met up with my prof yesterday for afternoon coffee. I told him things that have been going on at work, and I also told him that I'm now open to anything, that I really just want to learn wherever I am and whatever I do. He encouraged me a lot too... finally I almost feel like I have a bit of closure with my decisions years ago about not doing my Ph.D. It was important/comforting for me to hear that he thinks I will be successful no matter what my career choice is. Strangely when I was talking to him, I felt like I am a little girl again (don't ask me why), asking for advice and seeking for a bit of confirmation.

I think of my life now... there is so much I want to do and learn and experience (both at work and outside work). It's so weird that I feel this much excitement as I look forward (already) to 2007. At church there are many things I want to contribute/change (at least planning in my head)... and who knows... the next year will be a year of change I'm sure! Maybe I don't know what's ahead yet... but as Jeremiah 33 records, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Most certainly God will carry me through!

Oh... my favorite!!!

I have been wanting to buy the "Pride and Prejudice" DVD set (the one made by BBC, in 1995) ever since I have known its existence. Still remember how much I have loved the character of Lizzy and Mr. Darcy, always enchanted by their intelligent exchange of conversations. Considering the fact that this is my second favorite book of all times (almost, I'm trying to put the Bible as the first! :P), and I have read the book so many times both in Chinese translation and the original English version, it's a wonder I haven't bought it (I was very close once, when I put it back on the shelf after a very long internal struggle)!!

Anyways, no longer could I resist the temptation as I found out it went on sale at Costco... SO FINALLY I'm a PROUD owner!!! :D (and yes I watched it almost right after I got it--originally I thought I would have grown out of this "little girl" admiring phase--but no!! Mr. Darcy is still sooooooooooooooooooo handsome and kind and nice....... I wish I were Lizzy! :P)

Now how do I persuade someone to watch this with me every year (or every month?? :P)

Out of shape

I cannot believe how undisciplined I have been in the past few months. And even more unbelievable is how quickly my body deteroriates (or expands, however way you want to put it) by my lack of discipline.

Because work has been a bit hectic these days, I have been consistently abandoning my gym routine. I always have the mentality that if I can't get out of the office by 5:30pm, I may as well just stay till 6:30pm and go straight home. Anyways, ever since I came back from NY (almost a month ago) I think I managed to go to the gym once.

On Saturday because it was a nice day W and I decided to go up the Grouse Grind. First time in this entire year to go on this stairmaster hike (yes I'm ashamed of myself). I have always liked the hike; I never remembered it to be a very difficult hike, but I have always got a good sweat cardio workout out of it. But the one thing I did not expect this time was how LONG it took me to get up there. It wasn't even the cardio part --as my heart wasn't beating that fast (I wasn't too out of breath). But I couldn't bring my left foot to go up a step to join my right foot, and vice versa. I had no idea that my body wasn't prepared for it!!

That--I admitted was a shock for me. We eventually made it up to the top, using probably 1/4 more time than usual. The scenary of the entire Vancouver did not disappoint us, but I certainly was quite annoyed by my being so out of shape. Worse than that, my chest pain stayed with me for the entire afternoon!

I know how a lot of "older" people recounted their stories of how fit they used to be, and how work and kids had made them sort of forget the importance of staying healthy and exercising. I really really need to be more careful that I don't follow that path!!

Mppmmmphhhhh! Still annoyed :(

Doors will open

I can't believe I haven't updated my blog for so long. Ever since I came back from NY, I have been doing a lot of catching up. Until now I still am not done. My room is still messy; I have work that I gave up on doing (because it's simply too late to do); my salsa is still very below average; the list of friends i'm supposed to email is just growing and growing; I haven't done my expenses for over a month (I'm almost giving up on myself). On top of everything, because of the potential takeover of my company by a US Pharma, I need to seriously start thinking about what to do next in my career.

So life is a little hectic at the moment. I always remember someone telling me to take life a little bite at a time. Now I admit it's a bit difficult to do. It seems like there are a lot of things that are interdependent on each other, and any decision I make will impact various aspects of my life.

To be honest, I do welcome the challenge. Partly excited, partly scared I suppose. My life has always been kinda smooth sail. I have always gone through opened doors... never had to make a really tough decision (well, I suppose my decision of not doing a Ph.D. was a somewhat difficult one but it was also not too difficult since I couldn't imagine myself doing the same research for that many years).

There are many people who talk about taking the road not tread or going through the narrow gate. I don't think there's a right or wrong in doing or not doing so. I do have faith that no matter what, my life is destined to be used for God's glory, and God will never let me down...

Funny I always recite Jeremiah 29:11 as an encouragement to others and myself:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

yet I never continued with the next 3 verses:

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will
be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity..."

May this be a reality in my life, always--especially when there is so much uncertainty ahead. Doors will open, if I am still, and listen, and obey.

Last thoughts about my Eastern US trip

If you asked me what I expected about this NY/Boston trip, I think I can echo a lot of things that my travel companion said - so I won't elaborate much:
http://samakshine.blogspot.com/2006/09/nyboston.html

What I enjoyed the most in this trip, however, is a time to observe closeup how my friends teach and guide and play with their children. It was a very nice time to just sit and watch the kids play (almost feel like I'm a parent as well!), and I feel so blessed just having the opportunity to watch and learn--watching my friend play with 3 & 6 years old just amazes me so much. Maybe one day if God wills it and I have my own kids, I will know where to turn to and get some advice about bringing up a few of my own.

The other thing I truly notice about myself in this trip and how much I desperately need God to teach me more about patience. Strangely God has freed quite a lot of my worries--it's as if He just gently tells me how good a plan He has in store for me, and the only thing I need to do is to trust Him--something I have never been able to do.

Many thoughts cross my mind; there are a lot of things I'll need to reflect more on--but time's running out. Need to go to lunch!! Last lunch before I leave NY. I may not miss the city much - but I think I really miss the reflection and quiet time...

First 2 days in NY/NJ

I know I have said that I wasn't really looking forward to this NY trip--because of all the things going on at work and because I just started to catch a cold before I left. Nonetheless, I'm here now. Just wanna pen down a bit of what I have seen and done and felt before I forget :P

I am not exactly sure what impression NY gives me. Some scenes almost look like they're directly out of a hollywood movie, yet most it's *just* another N. American city. I mean I haven't been to NY before but I don't exactly feel like I'm out of place or a tourist (well, what do I expect?? It's the States.)

Hmmm... Where do I start? Our plane ride to NY (Harmony airways) was surprisingly pleasant. We were constantly being fed and being offered drinks... it was good. I tried to read a bit but ended up sleeping most of the time. We had a nice italian meal close to where my friend works (at a cancer research institute). It was good italian food. That was pretty much our first night. Our friend that we stayed with--he has a pretty huge place in NJ (his basement is like a daycare centre--apparently a necessity because of the 3 (most adorable) kids that he has... it was a very quiet and nice neighborhood

Second morning, because of the rain we decided to go to indoor places--which, of course, means museums. We hopped on the subway, took some pix at Grand Central Station, then headed straight to Metropolitan Museum of Art. Me not being an artsie person I think I was just strolling thru different rooms of paintings and displays just 'cuz I was there. Because of the cold pills I took I was very drowsy... so I ended up sitting on the bench in each room nodding right and left while my friends were enjoying the art. Well it was ok. If I am in NY I should go to some museums :P I was, however, interested in going to a guided tour (I figure I don't know art, so I may as well have someone explain to me each era and some famous artists, etc.etc)... because one of my friends is interested in impressionism/post-impressionism, we did that tour. It was actually quite good following the guide... because I learned some famouse names like Monet/ Renoir/ Manet/ Gua?? and some interesting stories behind each painting (forgot most of them already). It's amazing but we actually spent 5 hours in this museum (yeah I did my duty of taking tons of pictures, most of which I have no idea how deep they mean). Afterwards, we walked thru part of Central park and then went to Time Square to see the "night view". I think it wasn't until then that we actually felt like we were in NY =) We did go to Rockefeller Centre but didn't go onto any NBC studio tour (I think it probably would have been too late then anyways)... the drizzle sort of dampened our mood a bit and we took a train back to NJ.

This morning we woke up early and headed out. Our first stop was Ground zero. I don't know what got into me... maybe it was the somberness of the rain, in the midst of all displayed photographs and words of remembering the 9/11 event, I found myself crying for those lives that were lost and dearly missed. I don't know why--but part of my tears almost was shed because I know that one day we will forget--and one day these memories may fade into a mere event in the US history... in my mind was actually images of the 1989 event in Tienanmen Square... I tried to read every word and absorb every quote displayed... and I was moved by many little stories about love and kindness... We were there for quite a bit of time... then we headed to Century 21 dept store. Apparently a place that one can get a lot of brand name stuff for a discount price. I didn't end up buying anything, but one of my friends did...

In the afternoon, it's still pouring out there (thank God I remembered to bring an umbrella!)--we got a bit annoyed at the rain... we briefly stopped by Wall Street and NY stock exchange (the financial district doesn't look to me like a tourist attraction), then went into hiding at a Starbucks where we stayed/waited till 4pm, 'cuz MoMA (Museum of Modern Art) has free admission friday nites (from 4pm). Boy the line up was LONG!!!! We walked for >3 min and we still didn't see the end of the line... (I guess everyone else is as cheap as us! :P)

We spent another 4 hours in this museum. To be honest, if I weren't with my 2 friends, I would never have initiated going to a modern art museum. But since I went there I may as well try to enjoy myself... I'll probably write more later about this, but when I came out I saw everything as "art"... 'cuz it seems like everything can be art and can be interpreted in a very insightful way!! I still cannot help be amazed how those dots or lines against a red background can induce emotion... but apparently they have gained acceptance so I guess they must be good art?? Well, I dutifully took quite a lot of pictures--esp. those ones where everyone else seems to be taking pictures of. =)

The first 2 full days we didn't go to as many places as we wanted--mostly because of the rain. Anyways, several misc observations. Starbucks is everywhere. This shouldn't come as a surprise... but to see 5 Starbucks w/in 5 min of walking distance is still pretty scary. NY people are nicer than I thought. Well, I don't know why I thought NY people might be rude or arrogant or something, but quite a few people offered to help us just in the past 2 days. I was on the Subway today, and because I am still a bit sick I was kinda standing and dozing off a bit, a guy must have caught my nodding and actually asked me to take his seat (I thought he was getting off on that stop but apparently he stayed on the subway.) There are taxis EVERYWHERE. This shouldn't come as a surprise either... but then it's just that when a whole bunch of yellow cars are stacked up on the road and beeping each other in the middle of intersection, it's still quite a scene. There are nail places everywhere. Actually my friend and I only observed that the first day we arrived. OH yeah, last but not least (also not surprisingly)--the commuting that most people do to work is horrible. I always complain about having to drive for 50 min to Langley to work... that is so insignificant compared to what my friend has to go through every morning and night. Almost 1.5 hours... and in bad traffic as well. I mean, if it's just distance on the hwy I may still be ok, but if I were him I probably wouldn't survive having to commute that long for work.

Hmmm.... everything is kinda messy but at least I unloaded a bit of my experience in the first 2 days of my trip. Tmr another friend is supposed to pick us up and we'll head to Boston. My best friend told me that Boston is a very cultural city--so now I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Errrr... I won?

I actually WON an iPOD shuffle. This kind of "You are an instant winner!" has never happened to me before.

A friend and I went jogging fairly early this morning (actually I invited her to start at 7am but she ended up calling me this morning at 7:05 to wake me up! Bad bad me). We discovered that there's Starbucks in a newly renovated Safeway near her house. Normally our Sat jogging route is to go from her house to a nearby Starbucks (~25 min jog), get our favorite drinks, sit down and chat for ~1.5 hours before slowly walking home. Needless to say it's a very leisurely jog time that takes a whole morning. This morning, however, we had no such luxury. We missed our jogging session yesterday because I had to go for dim sum with some friends, and this morning her husband needed to leave the house by 8:15am (so we need to come back by then). In a desperate attempt to fit in some time to jog this week, we decided to get up extra early.

Anyways, we decided to go a slightly different route--instead of jogging to the Starbucks we normally go to, we wanted to loop back near her place before buying a Starbucks. I ordered my fav iced non-fat tazo chai, and my friend asked me to order her lemonade... when the lady gave me my receipt, she mumbled something about going to the other end to pick up something.

I was confused, but I followed her instruction, and then the second lady told me that I won an iPOD shuffle, asked me to fill out something, and then just gave the box to me. I was still a little confused, but winning something is always good... so I was telling my friend (she left for a moment) that actually it should be hers because I actually used her money to pay for our drinks. Both of us thought that we couldn't really use an iPOD shuffle because neither of us have an iPOD. Not until when we went back to her place that her husband told us that it's a stand alone MP3 player! I was like... "oh, COOL!"

Good thing I didn't buy an MP3 player in the past few months (have been thinking about it, since everyone seems to have one and it's good for gym)... now I can use this thing--well, once I have figured out how to use it =)

Yeah, so it's a good day today =)

Poor in spirit

This morning we had quite a good sermon. The topic was "Blessed are the poor in spirit," --so obviously an introduction to the Sermon on the Mount. I had studied this particular passage before (a long time ago) and took quite a liking to this passage, because it presents to me a very good reminder of the should-have's in all Christians. Of course, as in the Love chapter in 1 Corinthians, these character traits are impossible goals to master but a must-have (to a certain degree) of all who claim to be Christians. A perfect standard, as Augustine said.

PJ reminded us that to be poor in spirit, we must be humble and not reliant on ourselves too much. This was a simiple statement, one that, in theory, probably is known by all Christians. Yes we are to trust God more and not to be too confident in ourselves. Yet when I look deeper into this statement, I almost feel a little bit of fear rising up in me--because the matter of fact is that I do rely on myself too much. I do often do calculating decisions on whether I can achieve something--accounting for my own capabilities. I am quite prideful of my own abilities.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit" - I remember that when I first studied the passage, there was quite a bit of discussion on the word "blessed". Its not just normal "blessing"--something that a Divine Being has given to us--but the word is also associated with the notion of "happiness" (in modern context probably joy/delight is a better word) and also approval by God. Poverty in spirit--the state of being completely spiritually bankrupt. Emptiness. Helplessness. A geniune confession of not having any spiritual assets--that if we are to have some, we must beg for it. Honestly, at this age and day, to be able to maintain that kind of attitude is nearly impossible. When does humility come down to admitting that we have nothing? I have many friends who say they are humble while displaying their pride--and I certainly have been in those shoes myself. Sometimes thinking about how far I need to go in my journey of faith to be able to possess this attitude just shakes me to the core.

I am truly thankful for PJ to introduce Matthew 5 into my life. Haven't thought about it much these days--it's time for more reflection.

NY trip approaching!

Sigh. This is bad. I am less than a week away from my trip to New York and I have no idea whether I am excited or not. I just have too much on my mind. Mainly work - things have been crazy every since a takeover offer was placed on our company. I have been having meetings all days without any time to "think" or do any project planning. With 3 more days at work before I have to take off, I haven't even started offloading work to others (nor can I think of anyone who I can offload work to)!

So, about the NY trip. Initially I didn't even hesitate going on the trip because I haven't been on vacation since January and I have tons of holidays... and I'm supposed to take a course in Washington DC. Since then my plan changed and course won't be till December.

It's not like I don't want a vacation, but like what some studies show, I have this anxiety created in me that tells me that vacation only adds on my stress before and after the trip (Just observing my boss I know what will happen to me when I come back). Whereas I can plan a lot of things in life, trying to plan an itinerary is definitely not my strength. I developed a headache a few days back just trying to decide on a hotel in Boston and what to do and how to commute around the city.

But God (as usual) kinda just planned everything out for me. Without me researching on anything, suddenly I have a friend who has given me itinerary outlining what my friend and I will do in NY/NJ, and then another friend volunteered himself to be driver for the Boston part of the trip. I DON'T HAVE TO PLAN! =)

But I'm still anxious. Everyone tells me not to bring work with me, but I really don't want to come back after 10 days and have to fix all the things that go wrong or got slipped or missed. Not that I'm that important at work (I know everyone's dispensible), but I don't want to have to put out little fires when I come back... so decision is made: I'm bringing my laptop with me.

Honestly - I can't say that I'm very excited about the trip. I regret a little bit that I chose this very bad time to go on vacation. But hopefully I'll be able to have some quiet time planning a bit (something that I never get to do during work hours). Maybe not only work, but also my life as well!

Find Your Wings

I was listening to 106.5FM this morning. Attention was drawn to this song. I haven't actually listened to a song lyrics that intently--but this one made me think of a lot of faces. Many in IMPACT and BASIC fellowships who I "grew up with." And those who have walked with me in the journey of faith. Those who are at the crossroads now pondering about the uncertainties of life.

Yes, indeed this is a simple but powerful prayer (Nat - this is for you).

Mark Harris - Find Your Wings (From the album The Line Between The Two)

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you I want you to know
As I watch you grow
Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings
May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:
It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

Sense of humor

Just as things get pretty uneventful and boring at work... some little joke that a manager played on me and another coworker totally brightened up the day.

I have been doing a lot of coordinating for some documents that our company have to write for the US Regulatory agency. Because we are on a tight timeline, I watch very closely in the document review process, trying to make sure that all steps get completed in a timely manner... there is one particular report that we promised senior management that we would finish by mid-next week. Because of how many review cycles (and extensive QC reviews) the document has already gone through, I crafted an email to tell the final two reviewers that they are reading this as a final sign-off review, that I expect all comments to be resolved with the author and the document signed off before mid next week.

4:30pm. A coworker and I got an email from one of the reviewers: "I read this through once. Discussion and conclusion need to be further discussed, and perhaps re-drafted."
4:31 pm. I sprinted to my coworker's desk (he's in Regulatory group; like me he's anxious to have this document signed off)--he was already writing an email to me (perhaps venting). We were in disbelief. What else could possibly go wrong? The study was very straightforward... we talked about several possibilities, but still couldn't figure out why.
4:34pm. We decided to double up and go straight to this reviewer's office. We wanted to find out what his problem was first before the author comes back next Monday from holidays, freaks out and then mass emails to the whole world complaining about this. Just some sort of mental preparation for the two of us.
4:35pm. The moment we stepped to the reviewer's office, we knew something was wrong. His laughter was so loud I was sure that my ears were ringing. He was like, ""I was counting down: 60, 59, 58... I couldn't resist!! I wanted to see how long it would take you guys to come up to my office! Come here come here..." And then he showed us what he drafted in his next email (not yet sent when we got to his office)--
"JUST KIDDING"

That was the end of my work day. Couldn't concentrate anymore--I kept laughing and laughing even as the two of us went back to our desks. I was thinking -it sure is fun to have some big guy in the company who has such a interesting sense of humor. I know that we must have appeared too serious in the past little while, so anxious about slipping timelines...

I still like my company. =)

On the matter of FAITH

The topic of faith always sparks interesting thoughts and discussion. As Christians, we can find the definition of faith from the famous verse in Hebrews 11: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It's an easy definition, yet can be disregarded by those who may retort that an unfounded faith would simply blind, rather than lead, people. The conversation would inevitably lead to how we can distinguish what is an "unfounded" (defn: adj without a basis in reason or fact) faith. Definitely not something that I would go into further argument. After all, if we can win people over by arguing, Christ would have done it centruries ago.

One can define faith very easily, and yet when I dwell into this more and more, I find that we cannot even begin to understand (the Christian) faith without talking about love and grace.

Anyways... what I actually am more interested in is how people distinguish between faith and deeds. The plea for authenticity in our life of faith was clearly articulated by the apostle James in his book. "... Faith by itself, it is not accompanied by action, is dead." My heart skips a beat every time I read this chapter. These are such strong words! (Now I am talking about the saving faith.) How can we interpret what James wants to say - does that mean if one who does not displays the fruit of his faith is not saved?

I remember discussing this with a lot of people before. My way of interpretation has always been that if one has a true faith, it must be accompanied by deeds, as a consequence of this faith... yet whether one has true faith or not, we on this earth cannot judge others. So we may as well just not worry about whether others' faith is real or not, but instead concentrate on ourselves--our deeds and how those reflect our Christian faith.

Sounds kinda like a cop-out explanation... but after many years, that's still the only thing I can come up with.

Interpretations and perceptions

It's hard not to notice more and more (ever since I joined PM) how people talk and how people interpret what's being talked about and how people perceive what they hear.

At work I encounter that all the time. Almost have become a counsellor of some sort. When people are all pointing fingers at each other, I would try to understand where everyone's coming from and trying to clarify the needs and wants of each group--hoping to find some middle point that everyone is willing to stand on, with the goal that whatever end deliverable can still be achieved with all that difference in opinion. And it's amazing how 5 people can walk into a meeting room or conference listening to the same conversations/presentations, and yet come out with 5 different opinions of what the presenter/other party agrees to or not agrees to. It's actually scary--definitely makes me not want to trust interpretations but rather just go with the facts or whatever that is documented.

The funny thing is that with work I can still go around and clarify things with different individuals/stakeholders. With life and personal friendships things get a lot more complicated. A lot of times you can't clarify things... and so interpretations and personal perception, once formed, will slowly become facts and get imprinted almost as an identity attached to each person. I have seen a lot of people who claim to be open-minded, and yet are the exact opposite. Whereas I myself won't even attempt to claim myself to have such quality, I do like just to observe people's talks and walks.

Once in a while you come across a person who is completely open to all personalities and just see the good in everyone else. And I have to admit: I am impressed.

Pre-birthday thought

Can't believe my birthday is coming so soon.

Finally, big 3-0. I'm actually not sure my feeling is... it's kinda mixed. Usually people do a bit of reflecting on their bdays, recounting the things that they have achieved or things that they hope to achieve, or the blessings that they have received.

So for me I also think about my life. No doubt a blessed life all along. Always protected by parents, surrounded by friends, and blessed with a beginning of a career with direction. I know, however, deep in my heart, that I am not totally content with life. It's not as if I'm not content either. Just not totally. It's like I'm caught in between wanting my life as is and totally embracing the unknown. I'm still afraid of being left behind, or being alone. People get together, we hehe-haha for several years--then we all go away in search of our own dreams... paths never to be crossed again (perhaps).

I definitely have become melancholy when I think of myself in the "bigger picture." Talked to a friend a couple of days ago about whether there are things I wish I had done if I were to leave this world now. Admittedly there are quite a few. Just don't think that I have experienced life enough yet. What will my next 10, 20, 30 years be like? How will my life make a dent--a small difference perhaps--in this world? What kind of legacy am I going to leave?

I long for the moment when I find the right person to marry, to witness my life and to hold my hands, whose memory will always consist of me in the tip of his heart. I want to raise kids of my own, teaching them everything I know and (hopefully) brining on this earth some useful addition. I want to have a successful career, influencing people with my cheerfulness and efficiency and making a workplace fun for them. These are all very normal things that everyone wants, but yes at this stage of my life, they also become my goals and wishes.

Strangely, thinking about what I want in my life on this earth--the remaining 50 years (assuming I die at the average age of N. American women) also makes me think of its meaninglessness, and thus reminds me of what's more important--God and eternity. At the same time, because the latter is so intangible sometimes I can't help but be sidetracked by what I want now in this life...

It's a complicated feeling...

Happy ending

I despise stories that have sad endings...

Several weeks ago I started watching a Chinese series about a detective and an insurance agent--I don't watch TV very often but once I start I can get quite hooked on it. Anyways, this is one of the very few where I actually enjoy watching. Everything is good and funny up till the last episode, where the main character suddenly just dies. Now everyone would say--it's just a story... (usually I would say the same thing)--but this time I got a bit upset about it. I almost felt like I have been tricked into watching this--everything was leading to a good ending--why spoil it?? (It's totally unnecessary!).

I guess that was ~24 hours of my life wasted... :P

Quietness

These days everyone talks about priorities. Me in project management is no exception. That's what I do at work. I schedule. I weigh out what's important and what's not important; what needs to be done asap and what can wait--with the end goal in mind. I interact with different people in different teams, making sure everything that's supposed to be done is done (in a timely manner). With the million things happening at the same time with different teams, I always try to keep myself in high alert... the extreme concentration (and the workload of course) seems to extend itself to the after hours... and i find myself working longer and longer into the night.

End result, of course, is that I had less and less time for myself. Everyone *knows* that there should be a work/life balance; everyone *knows* that we should spend some quiet time every day and reflect on how we do that day, etc. etc. yet I couldn't seem to do it. Every day I tell myself that I'll spend that night to think... but then I almost always end up bringing work home (NB: I fully recognize that it's a choice that I intentionally make), so the reflection time again gets delayed.

Anyways, a few days ago, when I was losing patience when friends talked to me at lunch, I knew I had to do something about it... so I took a 25-min powerwalk (half of my usual running route) by myself over lunch... boy was it refreshing!! I got to think and actually "face" myself... I even sorted out (at least a little bit) my struggles and had some prayer time.

So now I will block off my calendar for half an hour every day for reflection at lunch--don't know how many days i can do that but I will try my best!!

***
My friend emailed me a response to my last blog. I thought it was very beautiful... there's a difference between my headknowledge and who I am (personality)... so we'll see if I can truly figure this out:

Quietness is Truthfulness
Truthulness is Courage
Courage is Love

When you are ready to love,
Quietness naturally arrives.
When
you quiet yourself,
Love naturally arrives.

Love

A friend emailed another friend a poem on the topic of love...

Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It is quiet understanding and mutual confidence
sharing and forgiving.
It is loyalty through good and bad times
It settles for less than perfection and
makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Love is content with the present and hopes for the future
and it does not brood over the past
If you have love in your life
it can make up for a great many things that are missing
If you don't have love in your life
no matter what else there is, it is not enough

Love does not make the world go around;
Love is what makes the ride worthwile
Love and marriage, you can't have one without the other
If you love someone, you say it...say it right then, out loud.

I don't know why I'm still amazed at these words. It's nothing new--I suppose I should say that I can probably say the same thing myself... yet it's just different knowing something in one's head and actually knowing something in one's heart. And reading this does make me doubt myself--if I can't do what it says, does it make me less capable of loving? Or have I just not loved yet?

This past weekend two of my good friends got engaged. To me they are almost a perfect couple. Their support for each other, their influence over people around them--God surely has shone Himself through this rel'nship... at least to me. Even though I know every couple is different, it makes me wonder whether I have been approaching my own rel'nship in a wrong way. If I am not capable of loving this way--then perhaps it means that I am not ready to love yet...

What do I have to do--to acquire that quietness in me to sort through everything?

Truth hurts

I always wonder: why can't we just accept the things that are true. Why do humans always want to change things that they have no control of?

Today I made an observation: it doesn't matter whether you realize something is true--if it hurts the first time you realize this truth--it will hurt more if you hear from others reinforcing what you already know as truth.... apparently there is not much desensitization...

As humans we are idealistic, and we like dreaming and wishing. I kinda hope that I can one day find the balance of "accepting truth" and "living with it" rather than trying to change it. Peace within. When can I truly obtain that?

At this moment I know I need God the most.

"THE FLOWER"

Came across this poem in the toastmaster's meeting (I almost got called on commenting on it in tabletopics!) Like it a lot... Don't think I really "understand" the poem all that well or that my interpretation is actually what what Tennyson intends... but somehow this makes me think of how easily human minds can sway... and how many different perspectives one can have on the same objective/thing/idea...

The Flower
Poem lyrics of The Flower by Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Once in a golden hour
I cast to earth a seed.
Up there came a flower,
The people said, a weed.

To and fro they went
Thro' my garden bower,
And muttering discontent
Cursed me and my flower.

Then it grew so tall
It wore a crown of light,
But thieves from o'er the wall
Stole the seed by night.

Sow'd it far and wide
By every town and tower,
Till all the people cried,
"Splendid is the flower!"

Read my little fable:
He that runs may read.
Most can raise the flowers now,
For all have got the seed.

And some are pretty enough,
And some are poor indeed;
And now again the people
Call it but a weed.

An act of kindness

Sometimes it only takes a seemingly-small act of kindness that touches one heart.

This afternoon I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked. It was a regular check-up thingy, but because I was a little afraid that he will decide to dialate my pupils (after which I can't face direct sunlight), I accepted an offer from a friend to drive me to the office... Anyways, the optometrist did decide to have a look at different edges of my eye, and so when I came out of the office I was quite sensitive to the sun. My friend not only drove me back to church (where my car was parked), he followed my car almost to home to make sure that I was OK.

It's not a very long distance--probably less than 5 minutes... I don't know, but this seems like such a small thing, but today it touches me a lot. Maybe it's because of today's sermon at church--the pastor talked about how things are never accidental, and we can't attribute all the good things that happen around us to be "good luck". That we are to be intentional in recognizing God's favor/blessings and in turn grateful for everything that we have and everyone who is around us.

So I am learning to never take friendship for granted. I also think too: so many of us take these little acts of kindness as a normal thing--in the end I do wonder if these ppl who are kinda our guardian angels--whether they would ever feel like they are being taken for granted or used...

I remember before I never liked being helped, because I always feel that I owe the other person something. Then somewhere along the way I got lazy--"people help me and I help people--it will all even out anyways... perhaps they would think that I'm fuzzy if i say too many thank-you's!..."

But indeed every good, perfect gift comes from [God's] kind and gracious heart... I think I should say more thank-you's from now on... gotta look at a good side of everyone and appreciate their existence around me =)

A letter from the disappointed

Dear Salsa teacher,

I have been in your class for more than a month now. I have to say that more and more I have found myself disappointed in you. Not because you are a bad dancer. You obviously have your own style; it's very fun to watch you dance (probably more so than my first salsa instructor); and definitely your dancing group has very good reputation.

But I'm not so sure if you're a good instructor. I always thought that a teacher is good if s/he can motivate and encourage people and is patient with people. People come to your class because they want to learn salsa and enjoy the time, not because they want to be ridiculed and singled out by the instructor! I have seen at least 5-6 different salsa instructors now (and hence 5-6 different styles) --and you're the only person who I really think is mean. If I came here tonight as a first-time tryout class, I would have never come back.

Anyways, maybe I'm too idealistic. I really think that I join a dance class to have fun and to learn. Even watching you scold others upsets me. You probably don't care much about your students, but I hope that one day you'll realize a lot of times students' frustration is actually caused by you and your display of disapproval. Well, at least I wasn't surprised why one guy left before the class ended!

I thought about actually mailing you this communication--to tell you that there is a lot of room for you to improve as a salsa instructor. Then again - why should I bother? Ultimately I'm just writing to let off some steam. I guess I'll just finish the rest of the class and then go back to my original salsa instructor. At least he makes me feel more comfortable.

Yours truly,
Disappointed

My first half-marathon

I haven't been actually impressed with myself for a long time. But this time I really am.

A few months ago, I decided out-of-the-blue that I wanted to run a half-marathon. At the beginning I just wanted to have a goal to force myself into more vigorous physical training, and even though I have always run the 10K Sun run, I haven't tried running more than that distance.

Anyways, I think I signed up about 7 weeks before the actual run. I thought I had a lot of time to prepare... but work ended up eating most of my days and nights, and then I was traveling on business for 2 weeks in April. When I came back from Philadelphia, I knew I was in trouble. I was totally lacking in sleep, and I ran only 2 "longer" runs and they were both no more than 10k. The last one was even worse because my knee started hurting. So my initial confidence ("No problem, half marathon is just a little more than double the 10k! I don't need to train!") faded. The weather forecast didn't help either. I was growing a little scared at the thought of running in the rain.

Well, I paid $65, so I "should" go. So, I went. I did my best to prepare the day before I ran: I went to the Running room and bought an $80 water-resistant jacket.

The big day came. I seriously think that it's because of all the anticipation and adrenalin I had in me. Didn't matter about the pouring rain and the mere 6-hours of sleep I had the previous night (ok, I was stupid watching MI3 the night before the run)--I actually managed to start the run with a pretty good pace. I actually felt excited to be a participant and even surprised my friend a bit by accelerating throughout the run (except the last part, of course).

So we did it!!! Amidst all the rain and all the hills and the lack of water stations (Grrrrrrrrr)... Both my friend and I were very pleased with how fast we finished (under 2 hr 5 min)... and amazingly I felt less sore than expected the next day. So it was good.

People always talked about running 10k or half-marathons or full marathons as milestones or "something to be proud of"... I never really understood that. But for some reason, after this run, I do now...

Interestingly another friend commented afterwards about how our run is almost like an analogy of one's spiritual journey--running against elements not in our control yet still achieving the final goal. Never thought about it that way... but Hebrews 12 does describe my feeling well:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Although now that I think about it, I wasn't actually disciplined and didn't actually persevere. If I were, I would actually have trained to get myself prepared .... oh well....

Long Recovery Phase

I can't believe it took me so long to recover from a trip to Las Vegas.

Went to Las Vegas last week for 4.5 days for a conference, and I came back and pretty much slept through the weekend. It could be because I let myself loose and had up to 4 cups of coffee each day of the conference (well, even though it turned out to be completely unnecessary, I had to do some prevention of me "resting" in front of speakers! :P); it could be because me and my boss took a really early flight back and I headed straight back to work; it could be because of all my night stays at the hotel trying to go through my emails and prepare documents for work... I don't know. Whatever it is, I truly have to admit that I'm getting old.

Still remember those university days where staying up 72 hours was nothing to me, and where I almost never slept before 2am... Now as I'm approaching the big 3-0, if I sleep less than 5 hours for one night, I need at least 3 days afterwards to recover.

After a week, I'm still not truly recovered. Things seem suddenly crazy at work... and I have been working 11 hours straight during day time and then come home and work again for another 4 hours (the only thing keeping me sane is my lunch hour run).

I ask myself: Why would I want to do that? To tell the truth, I don't know! All I know is that when my to-do list is growing long, I can't help but want to keep working till I think I have made enough progress. And just this drive will give me enough adrenalin to carry me through... and I also have to admit: I actually do enjoy what I'm doing... there's so much to learn, so much to do...

My mindset needs to be changed somehow. Good thing I have the 4 day long weekend coming up. I really want to spend some quiet time... at least on Good Friday. Really have not had much quality time with God these days................

Uncertainties

Received an email from my best friend. She shared about some health problem that she's experiencing now... something that actually took me a little off guard because I did not expect it. To be honest, I actually didn't know how to respond to it.

Everyone deals with uncertainties in life differently. It is not uncommon that these things put the whole life into perspective. What matters, what doesn't matter--they all suddenly become very clear. My friend told me that it's very comforting for her to know that she has no regrets, and that she has never felt as loved as she is now... and I am totally amazed by the peace and the calmess in her voice. And then I think - what if it's me? What would my feelings be?

For some reason at this moment I just want to search. Deeper in to my heart. How I feel if I am to be taken away today:

Can I truly say that I have no regrets?
What have I done?
What haven't I done?
What have I shown to the world?

...
...
...

Seriously - I can't answer this hypothetical question.

People always say live each second, each moment as if it is your last day. While I agree with the idea of it--basically, don't waste your time--I tend to admire people who face death (and life) in a calm and peaceful way. Who will not speed up or slow down life. In the midst of uncertainty, they will live as they always do. Still remember a Korean movie "Christmas in August" which describes how calmly a (terminal) cancer patient prepares for the imminent day... this slow paced movie remains one of my favorite movies to this day.

Read on the newspaper that there are some statistics or studies that link brain cancer with talking on the cell phone. I can't help but think: with the number of hours I have talked in the past (good thing i just bought a bluetooth), I most likely won't be able to escape from this fate...

Kinda scary :P

Harmony

"You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note." - Doug Floyd

It was an interesting Toastmasters meeting today after work. I chose the word "Harmony" as theme of the meeting because 1) I like the word and 2) today's International Day for eliminating racial discrimination. What I did not expect, however, is how well people have really taken to the idea of difference and acceptance and did some very courageous (and personal) speeches.

What blew me away was the first speech: a coworker was sharing his experience and mishaps in his (gay) wedding preparation with his partner. I have to be honest: I was a little uncomfortable throughout the speech (because I personally do not agree with legalizing same sex marriage)--but I have to admire this guy for bringing this topic to the open!! He made the speech surprisingly humorous...

After the meeting I can't help but think--even though my faith tells me what's right and wrong--I still find it somewhat difficult to know how to react when people surrounding me who simply do not have the same belief as I. I was especially surprised when my coworker said that there's not that much difference in the wedding, that it is still religious, and that the minister (United Church) "blessing" the marriage is also gay. I suppose there's no point telling him that I don't think is biblical...

Strangely as I left the room, the word "harmony" lingered in my mind. To me this word signifies difference and peace. How then should I stand firm in what I believe in --and at the same time still keep the harmony (witih people who believe differently) unbroken?

Listening

They always say that humans were given two ears but only one mouth because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking. It is so true. I haven't come across very many good listeners, and the ones who I hope are good listeners turn out to be the most disappointing... It's not very fun when you pour your heart out to people and then have them respond in two words that have NOTHING to do with what you talk about in the first place. I have had that happened to me for too often - and maybe because of the same reason I have chosen to speak less and listen more.

It's funny - I used to be more of a talker than a listener; but in the last few years (perhaps because of my role at church or the friends I have, I don't know) I seem to be doing more listening than talking. At the same time, when I talk, I become increasingly aware if the other side is not listening. I have always agreed that the first thing people need to learn (if they want to be a good listener) is actually to act as one. There are only 2 ways that one can show he/she is listening to the other person: verbal or non-verbal (body language, eye contact, facial expression). When I receive neither of those signals, I get very discouraged and I don't want to continue any conversation. I never believe that one person can continue a conversation for a long time without any response from the other end (don't think I have the talent to talk to a volleyball either :P)

I don't know. Maybe tonight I just want to rant. I'm supposed to excel in communication--that's what I do at work. Yet I find it increasingly difficult to establish good communication with the people who I care most about.

Just one glimpse

Just one glimpse, Just one drink
And my soul is satisfied.

We were singing this song for worship yesterday, and ever since I have painted in my mind this picture. Imagine the desire. Imagine the thirst. Imagine the hope. Imagine a person wanting so much - that even one sip is enough to feed him/her. Don't know why but the more I think about this, the more beautiful this picture is to me. It comforts me... knowing that the void, the worries in life, everything that is of unknown (that perhaps fear in us) - they can all be lifted up to Him who is Able...

"If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink." (John 37:7)

Lord - I pray for that desire to always be in my heart. That I will never let You go.

Getting old

Last night I had a nice dinner at Wild Garlic with some "teens" at church (well, I used to call them teens, but now they're in university already so I can't really call them that anymore!)... It was a very enjoyable dinner... we chatted a bit about everything... but throughout the dinner I really felt like I have gotten old. A little out of place. These are adorable girls who I knew ever since they were in elementary schools... and even though I have an almost 10 years difference in age with them, I have never really "treated" them as kids (I seem to have the ability to treat everyone including those still in junior high as though they were adults)... but as I am going to enter the next "decade" in half a year, I can't help but notice so much more difference between me and them...

I used to laugh like they do... no reservation, hearty loud laughs... I used to talk gibberish and enjoy talking all these funny non-sense stuff... I mean I'm a serious person by nature but I remembered those times... it's almost scary that I don't possess the same energy anymore.

No one escapes growing up. What I used to do (absorbing myself in reading, writing long letters to friends, etc. etc.) I no longer have time for. My life is centered around work--I spend so much more time thinking about how to get training and experience so that I can advance before I get too old... and believe it or not the first section of daily newspaper I read nowadays is financial stuff. I don't even know why (not like I understand much anyways).

It's weird... In my mind I want to prepare myself for the next stage in my life (having my own family, having financial security etc. etc.) and yet I don't really know exactly what I am looking for. I feel myself getting old and I feel my metabolism slowing down. All these things are coming on to me faster than I want to.

Today at worship I asked myself once again what I have taken away from God. Have I remembered that He is my first Love? As one of my friends said in cell group on Thurs - there are so many distractions in life that it's very very easy to lose sight of what's really important... It's easy to see how much I have lost sight.

I have my faith and I know what I believe - perhaps now is the time that I put my heart into actually living it. The least I need to do is to start having quality quiet time w/o falling asleep on the Bible... :P

cRaZy ChRiStIAn

"A real Christian is an odd number anyway.
He feels supreme love for One whom he was never seen,
talks familiarly every day to someone he cannot see,
expects to go to heaven on the virtue of Another,
empties himself in order to be full,
admits he is wrong so he can be declared right,
goes down in order to get up,
is strongest when he is weakest,
richest when he is poorest,
happiest when he feels worst.

He dies so that he can live,
forsakes in order to have,
gives away so he can keep,
see the invisible,
hears the inaudible,
and knows that which passeth knowledge."

- A.W. Tozer

Fast fix

The subject of morality is an interesting one. Whenever my friends and I are talking about topics like legalization of prostitution and drug use (e.g. marajauna), I always find it difficult to communicate my point--to an extent that I am not much willing to lay out my arguments anymore, because the arguments are not very new, and ultimately it comes to the person's value and outlook of things.

Anyways, I have heard a lot of arguments for legalization of such things. What the argument boils down to is this: by doing so you give them protection and supposedly you take away the power of drug dealers... it doesn't matter whether it's not a right thing or by doing so there's actually imiplication to a long-term consequence. "The problem has existed for too long and there's no better alternative." That's what I'm told. The government has tried (and spent a lot of tax money on closing down these illegal activities and have not succeeded), problem has not improved, and we will "help" them instead by giving them safe environments to do so. Put a system in place, and hands off. Legalize it because it will happen anyways no matter how hard we try to figiht it!

To tell the truth, I'm saddened by all this view, and actually because of this I find it almost futile to explain my standpoint. I also ask myself: why am I opposed to legalizing marajauna or prostitution? If I say it's because I think it's wrong--why do I think that it's wrong? To me it's a fundamental reason: this is abuse to a person's body (sometimes willingly, sometimes unwillingly). I don't think a lot of people will argue that it's right to do drugs or to go into prostitution, or that they would think that it would be ok if it's their sons or daughters who are in that position... See, I really cannot justify in my mind how people can acknowledge that the act is wrong, but still support to make the act legal--in the name of reducing harm to the "victims".

And what does it mean to legalize?? To me the government has given up and it does not want to fight anymore. Legalization has a lot more implication to the society than just a quick fix to a long-lasting problem. Ultimately it comes to the value one holds in life. We are at a point where people are told to tolerate and accept, regardless of cost. And we are already seeing the effect. Teens at my church aren't that surprised about people taking ecstasy or other drugs because it's so common. I can't imagine what else people can accept in ten or fifteen years. I don't want to!

I feel helpless whenever people point to the success of countries like Neatherlands who have legalized these. The redlight districts have become a great tourist attraction, and prostitution-related activites constitute 5% of the country's GDP. If that's considered good, then I have nothing to say...

Would legalization and safe injection sites really lower HIV infection or make people aware of the danger of drug abuse? Would legalization really protect women from prostitution-related violence? From the articles and personal stories I have read (and this is from people who have personally been there), I think not. Therefore this harm reduction philosophy really, really scares me. It makes me think of an ostrich burying its head in the sand.

I have once gone to a workshop where a long-time drug user was sharing with us all the struggles she has gone through and how she finally came to fight addiction successfully. It was a story that brought me to tears. And it is definitely not because by others giving them safe environment to keep using the drug. It's the power of love, the power of friendship, the power of feeling accepted (the person but not the act). The government as a political body certainly cannot provide these things--it takes years to educate people (with the system) and have a little bit of success, and unfortunately it does not take much to ruin it all.

I don't know. Most of us live in too-protected an enviornment to even qualify to say anything. I'm certainly not qualified to say anything. But to me, it's very important to know my value system, what's right and what's wrong. My definition of it does not make me look down on people (hating what's wrong vs. loving people who are in those positions). But if we ever compromise, we have lost what's the most precious in us.

http://www.lifesite.net/ldn/2004/sep/04092305.html
http://sisyphe.org/article.php3?id_article=1596

money talk

RRSP season. I hear about this topic very often these days esp. as March 1 approaches.

These few days I have been browsing through the internet and looking at ways to maybe shift the distribution of my funds, seeing where I should invest my last little bit of money to max out my contribution this year (of course I do all this under the direction of W, or I would have no idea where to start anyways).

Unlike a lot of my peers I really don't mind working till I'm 65 (or older)... and I haven't really thought much about saving enough for retirement (though I do go thru the motion of putting aside money regularly for RRSP, just 'cuz all newspaper and magazines and banks tell me to do so :P). It's funny that even though I don't have a lot of knowledge about money, I have grown increasingly interested about the whole idea of investing and analyzing how to invest or different ways that one can invest.

I don't exactly understand why, but for some reason, I felt a lot more "wealthy" when I was making ~ minimum wage in summer jobs and when I was doing my masters. Ever since I started working in my current job, my expenses seem to go thru the roof (but I actually don't shop that much) . I suppose I have my commute to blame for that (esp. with increasing price for gas and distance I drive every day)--I just don't seem to be able to save as much I thought I potentially could! Where did my money go??

So I went back to my excel sheet where I keep track of how much I spend. Aside from all the regular monthly expenses, when it comes right down to it, it's all these little things--going out to eat, some salsa classes/dances here and there, some gifts for him's and her's, my beloved chai latte's whenever I cannot resist the temptation--everything just adds up and money disappears. But then I also ask myself: how much am I willing to cut these expenses? I have always been of the opinion that we should enjoy life--if our only goal is to save up, one day I die and I will never enjoy my days... I suppose it's just finding the balance .

I read a book recently about "making money work for you"--idea of obtaining income generating assets and conquering of fear of taking risk... it gave me a different perspective of looking at investment but it also makes me realize that I am exactly the kind of person characterized by the author as one who is financially illiterate and who isn't willing to take risks. I enjoyed reading the book, but however much I understood his points, I just can't do what the guy does (I mean, there's no way I can throw all my $$ away on small caps stocks and real estate!).

In the end, who doesn't want financial security? I look at myself and all the things I want to do and how money can help a lot (it's amazing how a 20-day program in Project Management can cost more than $7000!!)--but I also constantly remind myself that I'm already very rich compared to a lot of people in the world (or even in Canada). Sure enough as I have more I want more (sadly it's human nature), but I want to make sure that I keep myself in check not to be blinded by the desire for materialism.

I won!!

Funny I really like the game of poker. It's amazing how much one can learn from the hands and how people act. I don't have skills and won't count and won't really bluff in a consistent way... but I like the game and watch people and hear all the "trash talk".

Coming back to the idea of gambling. I know a lot of my Christian friends do not like the idea of betting money in (and will not join) a poker game with $$ exchange. But I have to admit - it's different when there's $$ involved. People play differently. Both me and W hate it when people go *all in* ALL the time because they don't care whether they lose. They could always get some chips from someone else. It's weird how $5 or even $2 buy-in will change the game.

Anyways, tonight was also the first time I heard how people proposed to play - to actually buy chips (so you can play how many rounds you want as long as you have $$). I guess that's just like how casino plays this game. I was totally resistant to that idea. So I made the rule: we played tournament style, fixed amount buy-in. I don't want to turn this to a "true gambling" thingy... I would like to think of it as just playing a game that cost me $5 and no more... I suppose that's my limit...

Well, it turns out I actually won! I don't exactly know how I won it--call it luck, but I won it. =) hehee.. it's all good.

The absolute truth?

Had "discussion" with a friend about the idea of truth. What's right and what's wrong?

Basically the discussion started with our difference in opinion about gambling. My friend thinks that it's OK to gamble AS LONG AS people treat it as "just for fun". My argument against that is that human nature has such greed in it that people cannot resist the urge to "win" and so in the end they lose and they ruin their lives. Of course my friend makes an analogy to that of drinking... drinking itself is not a bad thing (or Jesus wouldn't have turned water into wine), but not being able to control oneself/know oneself's limit makes one sin. So then can we say that gambling itself is not sinful but that the greed is? I can *understand* his point of view but I can't judge whether it is "right" in God's eyes.

Then came the topic of working in casinos. Some Christians I know refuse to work on projects that have to do with gambling, and some I know also are very adamant about not buying lottery. Is it wrong for people to work in casinos (because you're working in a profession that "causes" others to stumble)??? Can we make the same analogy that we shouldn't work as a bartender because you are faciliating a lot of people on the path to drunken-ness? Or is it just as 1 Corithians 6:12 say ' "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything.'... How are we to interpret this statement? Do these things that are not really "beneficial" (drinking, gambling) but are more for entertainment not an act of sin as long as we are not mastered by it? But how, as a weak human being, do we know that we truly are not mastered by it?

I don't know - in 1 Corinthians 8 there is a whole passage abouy being careful that our exercise of freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak... does this apply, in situations where we are surrounded by non-believers who have no such knowledge??

This has always been a fascinating topic for myself. I know I still don't have answer, so I sort of establish my own "standpoint" about what I consider as excessive drinking or "true" gambling. But I really do wonder how far should one go, from one extreme to the other?? Where in the scale of liberalism or legalism should/would I stand?

Career Management

After last year's less-than-optimal employee survey result conducted by a consultant company, our company decided to institute a whole bunch of changes re: performance review process and have different workshops about career management.

Out of curiosity, I participated in this half-day workshop on career management. I have to admit - I never really believed in these things... I mean who doesn't know that we need to position ourselves, that we should find our passion, that we should explore opportunities and be constantly upgrading ourselves? Usually people know it but they just don't have enough persistance or discipline to go through with it!

But actually it wasn't too bad. I mean, still I didn't really learn anything per se (everything is so common sense), but it does cause me to think a bit more about what I want to do for my career. The workshop actually did reinforce me that I had made a right choice switching out of research. Looking back, I'm almost surprised at myself to have made this change even without being sure what I was getting myself into and whether I would like it. I knew I was stuck in research and felt that I wasn't going anywhere and my brain wasn't used much... but still, I'm almost proud that with my inertia to change I did make the move!

But what now? Probably in about a year or two, I'll be in the same place again looking for change (can't seem to be doing the same thing for a long time!). Is it going to be a lateral change again? Or have I found my lifelong career in project management? I guess this has yet to be revealed!

Anyways, the consultant was talking about locus of control and the 5 P's in career management. I need to think more about that...

Laptop = sleep deprivation

I'm really not disciplined these days. Can't be trusted with a laptop: if I dare to bring it home there's no difference between work and home. I start vpn-ing to my work network, I would spend the whole night clicking and typing away... to a point I can't even drag myself to get a drink or go to the gym or even sleep! Laptops are a dangerous thing!!

These few days because my boss is kinda officially not doing project management anymore, I suddenly end up with a lot of things to do and to think about (which I want and is a good opportunity to learn). Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a plain workoholic. When I tell others that I am busy--strangely sometimes I say it with a tint of pride!! I suppose it's because when I first started in this dept I couldn't find anything to do.... and now FINALLY I have something to do I'm extremely satisfied.

Back to the sleep thing. A sad discovery. I can't stay up past 3am anymore. However awake my brain is, my body just can't handle it. I still remember the good old days in university where I can spend 2-3 days without sleep on my report or project AND others still don't see a difference. Now? I sleep past 3am for one night and the following morning I'm bobbing left and right when I drive to work--and I would be sacrificing gym that day too because I would be too tired to go. Talk about reduced stamina!!!

Sigh... aging is a fact. They all say after 25 yrs old it's downhill from there. For me it's blatantly obvious how much more sleep is actually necessary for me!! >_<

24 hours a day... definitely not enough.

Test of honesty

Today I am quite mad at myself--it's not that big of a deal, but I failed my own honesty test.

My friend decided to join me and another friend in exercising... normally the first time you go to these places you pay a certain amount, but somehow we figured that because they usually don't check who signed in anyways, I didn't care much which name I used to sign in. So I signed her in under another friend's account (who gave her consent to this friend of mine). I had a little bit of unease as I was doing so, but I didn't give this a second thought.

Anyways, five minutes going into the exercise routine, I knew I made a big mistake. Because it's my friend's first time, she couldn't follow a lot of the moves properly, and it's obvious that this was the first time doing this... and gradually it dawned on me that the reason why I felt uneasy: I was understanding the liabilities that the exercise place would have should my friend get injured during the routine (since she didn't sign a waiver form); most importantly I was allowing something to happen that's against what I believed to be right!

After the class, I came out of the room heading straight to the reception and explained everything. I told him that it was wrong of me to allow this to happen and I wanted to make it right, etc. etc. The instructor was being very nice about it, but the reception person was understandably a bit upset. I didn't really allow my friend to say anything because 1) I wanted to fix this myself; 2) I didn't want my friend to say anything that didn't need to be said. I'd rather just admit the mistake, redo all the paperwork and just move on.

But I did try to analyze my thoughts going home. Certainly the Spirit was really rebuking my lack of honesty and integrity. It was telling me to do something right after class. Doesn't really matter whether I know my friend could handle the class: the fact is that we took a shortcut that shouldn't have been taken. It may seem not a big deal (i.e. people do it all the time) but for me, it was a valuable lesson to learn. How much do I compromise--what is MY definition of right and wrong? This world that we are living in now are tolerating a lot of things--things that most people don't think are wrong because of convenience reasons... how much of those will I tolerate?

I think about the "legalism" aspect too. Am I trying to lay out rules of what I think how Christians should act??? Actually I don't think so. To be honest, from this episode what I really know is how I will handle my decisions from now on - I certainly won't condemn others who have different opinions/values as I do. I just to have to remind myself where *I* stand... and stick with it, just like the Bible says I should!

God works a funny way... interesting how we were just discussing about Galatians today in a small group...

I got my laptop!

I got a laptop yesterday. I asked for it before X'mas, and finally I got it.

My original intention of getting a laptop was very simple (still is): if I have a laptop, then I become mobile... I could type minutes during minutes and not having to write... and I can do work at home and not have to worry about lacking specific software or having to send files home, etc. etc. But the moment I was jumping up and down and told my boss of my new "possession", I realized that I was being unreasonably excited about this. Why would I be so happy to have the opportunity to bring lots of work home? Am I insane?? This could be the beginning of me not being able to separate work and personal life (I was kinda dumb that I never thought about it this way before!) .

Anyways, I think my boss was shocked that I offered my help to do "whatever" (that was my exact quote!) for her... oh well, I think it's too late to take that offer back!! :P

Compared to some of my friends, I don't think I work very hard (long hours) - but somehow I think there's that little workoholic gene in me that I need to seriously find some inhibitors for!! Hmmmm....

Leading bible study...

Coming home actually a little depressed and a little mad at myself...

We had a bible study tonight. It's certainly not the first time I led bible study, and it's not the first time I have led Colossians either. But for some reason I was really having trouble with keeping the flow of the study discussion - I can't exactly pinpoint why; maybe I was unsure of the group dynamics, or that I was not sure how the message of the study (look at a healthy church) would come across in the two new friends who were joining us. It felt really weird, because it's the first time I was actually uncomfortable asking the questions that were laid out in front of me...

Come to think about it, this is actually very surprising to me. I haven't felt this way for a long time. I have always been very comfortable talking about my faith and how I came to Christ, or debate (or discuss :P) different topics about Christianity... but for some reason I was really vague about a lot of the things I said in the bible study. I was very unsure about handling questions... and the discussion seemed to go all over the place. While I have always believed that the "bible study leader" really is only a facilitator, but at the same time, I also feel the responsibility of doing a good job or it... am I being harsh on myself or did I not prepare enough?? The question was this: "What is a life worthy of the Lord? What if people from the heart disagree with what the Bible says?" The question itself was not difficult to answer, but I hesitated because I wasn't sure how I should answer the question such that it would be satisfying. I cared too much of how I should word my answe rather than just being honest about my answer... I didn't want to ramble on, and in that now I feel that I actually was not geniune enough to discuss how I feel...

Am I thinking too much? Sigh... I guess I need to be still and really listen to God's voice. I have done too much reading on my own that I haven't actually listened enough. It almost frightened me to have discovered this!!