My greatest fear

These days I keep on thinking what my greatest fear is (I posed this question to quite a few small groups/people who I talked to) . I tell everyone that it's loneliness... because I cannot handle thinking too much, having my mind out of control... but the truth of the matter is that I haven't really felt lonely for a long time. Even though one can be lonely when surrounded by people--my sense of that actually has never been too strong.

But today, I finally know my fear. It's R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. The feeling of giving without being appreciated, of pouring out my heart without receiving in return, of trying to express my opinion/feelings without being listened to. That hurt me a lot. With family, with friends--basically with those who I care for the most. Even without a word or with just a gesture or a grimace, I can be so sensitive to feel rejection. Whether it is true rejection or not I do not know (I suspect most of the time it is just over-sensitivity on my part) - but too many times I would already start tearing up... feeling so hurt...

I suppose I'm not the only one. I suppose it is a human nature to want to be accepted... but it's still easier to understand the mentality than to overcome it. I have always thought that I'm a pretty friendly person--and because of that (and wrongly so), I very often assume that there's no reason not to be accepted by anyone...

Perhaps it's also pride too... sometimes I feel that I deserve to be accepted... I don't know - it's the weakest side of me that I need to improve on... most of us think more highly of ourselves than others (even when they don't admit)...

I do wonder how Christ did it. How could He stand being rejected by those He created, by those He loves so much to die for them... what kind of person does it take to learn to do that? I don't think I can EVER comprehend that kind of love, that kind of grace--I can only embrace it with awe, but I don't think I can ever understand or imitate it. Try I will, but... I don't know...

Agape. Being nice to others without asking for return. Everything seems to be related now...

When will I conquer this greatest fear of mine? To see myself as just myself, to embrace myself as is, and not to try to change to please others?

Toastmasters Here I come!

I have always wanted to join a toastmasters' club because I have always felt the need to get rid of my nervousness and inconfidence in doing public speaking (contrary to what many of my friends think!!). I mean I do quite a bit of those at church, in school, and among friends or even in volunteering... and I don't think I'm a very shy person to begin with! But I still feel the anxiety and the heart-pumping-like-crazy feeling every time I go up. So I admire those who just go up and speak gracefully. And I mean *grace*. The way they utter each word in clarity, crack a joke or two at the right moment... it's just a pure delight to be an audience!

Well, Our company is in the process of setting up a toastmasters' club now, so after work today we had some people from the organization come in and do a "demo" session of what a typical meeting would be like. It's actually quite interesting... 2 prepared speeches, mixed with 1.5 minute-table topic speeches and some humorist presentation. How they distinguish themselves (CTM, ATM, DTM, etc. etc.) are kinda weird, and the format is very very structured (a little uncomfortable for me), but what does it matter. Many of my friends have highly recommended Toastmasters, so I may as well try it...!!

I'll see how it goes... sometimes though, I wonder if people are just born with talent of public speaking. Is it one of those things where if you don't have it, you don't have it? Hmmmm..........

Decisions decisions

I have to admit. I'm not the best decision maker in the whole world. As a matter of fact, I don't think there are that many people who are as indecisive as I am... unfortunately my bf isn't that much more decisive than I--so sometimes just deciding where to eat (among other things) takes forever...

Well, I suppose eating is just a small matter. Knowing how to make wise life decisions is what I'm more concerned about... and sometimes I am scared that this nature of mine will eventually hinder me from advancing in my career. One consoling thing is that I tend to be a lot more confident in my work (and only in my work) than in my personal life. Don't know why--just seem to be able to decide about things at work more quickly than say whether to date someone or what I want to do on the weekend or whether I should buy a place...

Anyways, I've been reading Steven Sample's "The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership" and of course there's a chapter on decision making. This is more on corporate decision making as a leader... but there are two rules that he talked about that's pretty interesting:
1) Never make a decision yourself that can reasonably be delegated to a lieutenant.
Essentially, delegation to a subordinate can save one's time and is also a form of training and development for those under him/her. (There's why there is the idea of apprenticeship I suppose) Of course that doesn't mean the leader himself won't take responsibility if the subordinate were to make a wrong decision--and that's why most leaders do not like delegating... because the trust is just not there.

2) Never make a decision that can reasonably be put off to tomorrow.
Artful procrastination. The idea that the timing of a decision could be as important as the decision itself. Now this is somethign that I probably will never master :P. Because with the advantage of opening up a lot more options also comes the possibility of waiting for too long (which is usually true in my case)...

Anyways, all these theories sound good and stuff, at the end of the day I think I just need more experience in handling *life*. No matter what, the decision path that I'm treading on now belongs to no one but me... so it would be a unique experience for myself anyways. We'll just have to see....

On the lighter side, I came across this website that's absolutely hilarious!
http://www.theophilus.org/indecision.html

Funny things

Came across this that was very very funny... :)

What Kids Have to Say

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

Am I nice or what?

A friend asked me if I think he's "too nice" a person. He wanted me to answer him honestly. To tell the truth, I have never been asked this question before and I found it very interesting. I suppose Chinese people generally *pretend* to be humble so they don't want to pose such question.

So I answered him. And this turns into a somewhat interesting discussion of what is "nice". How do we define whether a person is nice? If I treat someone well because I care for him/her (and I know that the feeling is mutual), then am I really "nice"? I treat someone well because I want to make that person feel good or want to make that person like me, am I really "nice"? My friend said that there has to be a balance in a friendship--say a _limit_... that I should stop treating someone nice if there is some kind of return. "Be realistic; there should be a limit. " he said.

I don't know. I guess so. I always have the ideal that we are called to treat others well even if the reciprocal is not true. I have to admit that it's an ideal and normally not acheivable (and usually regarded as stupid), but at least it should be something we are striving for??

27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.
If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
31Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.
34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?
Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full.
35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.
Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High,
because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
(Luke 6:27-36)

I don't know, there are not *that* many people in this world I consider truly "nice". But that may be because my "standard" of what's nice is too high. If it is evaluated as a quality of a person, then I almost think that only those who are "always" nice (to everyone) are "nice people." If one is nice to others only when s/he wants to (and is capable of), then is s/he really nice?

***
Hmmm... I finally had time to check the dictionary. Apparently I am wrong. My standard is probably too high.
Nice - adj. pleasant; agreeable; kind; friendly; fine.

But then I wasn't exactly sure what my friend meant when he said "nice" either hehe. Oh well, I'm definitely thinking too many useless things.

New body needed

Can't believe I, a 20+ year-old, can suffer from back pain for >2 years and still see no end to it. Always described by my friends (even those who just know me) as an active person, the past few years has just been a painful torture (literally).

My approaches to solving this problem? Well, I think I tried EVERYTHING... I
1) went to the doctor, who gave me some rubbing thing for reducing inflammation (may I add that it's absolutely useless);
2) went to physiotherapy--but didn't find it help much after a few session;
3) changed my mattress to a more decent one (now actually this was the first thing I did--but nope my back refused to be happy;
4) went to quite a few sessions of accupressure + massage therapy (of course the pain didn't go away!);
5) went to a chiropractor--now this is worth mentioning a bit. The chiropractor I was seeing said that my pelvis is not aligned and therefore my right side of the hip (?) is trying to compensate, and the tissues around the lower back just get tight. He suggested that I get orthotics (which I did) and start stretching more frequently, build up my core muscles, etc. etc... every time I go to the clinic and have my back "cracked", I seem to get instantaneous relief--but the pain usually comes back within a week. I even stopped running and doing any high impact exercises altogether for almost a month--and when my chiropractor said I can start adding high impact stuff back in my exercise routine, my level of pain just starts growing exponentially.

Does that mean that I can't run or do any high-impact exercises anymore??? Whereas I tell everyone that I think the pain started 2+ years ago after falling in snowboarding, I really really could not pinpoint exactly when it started to be a recurring (constant) pain. And the even scarier thing is: the type of pain seems to be growing in a different direction too. It's not a "muscle" pain anymore. I actually seem to feel a knot or a hard thingy on my lower back... W even said that maybe my hip is totally out of alignment and I need a surgery!! Arrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!

Well, I finally booked an appointment to see my family doctor (because too many friends have suggested the same thing)--hopefully I can persuade her to get an x-ray done. And hopefully I'll finally gain some peace of mind--that this is nothing serious.

Honestly now I really appreciate a new body... not that I haven't been grateful about the one that God has given me!! When pain becomes part of one's everyday life, when one rarely wakes up without feeling back in the back--it just doesn't make me feel like a young person anymore :(

Stability or passion?

A couple of friends were discussing over emails about whether we (as girls) should look more for passionate love or for stability in a relationship. I don't know why all girls are interested in this question at some point in their lives, but you bet I myself have spent some brainpower thinking about this rather difficult issue.

Sure enough there are guys around who we just know are good "husband" materials--who are emotionally (and financially) stable, responsible, etc. etc. They are the types who will be the wall of protection for their family... of course they might also be boring in that they don't bring much excitement, but you know they'll be there when you need them... well, I guess I could be stereotyping here but you get the idea.

And then there are those who are just plain *fun* to be with. Never have to think about what to do with them. They always give you a sense of excitement, and they know exactly how and where to lead you. Every day spent with them is an adventure; every day is a most-memorable day.... Again, my apology for doing a bit of stereotyping here, the idea is that one type gives you the "comfortable" feeling while the other gives you the "chemistry", the special weird feeling in the heart that you seem to have never experienced before.

Now the difficult question. Which type to choose?

Frankly, tho I had spent a lot of time thinking about these hypothetical questions in the past, I never really have that much problem making the decision myself. After all, I still like to think long-term. The first questions I always ask myself before I allow myself to fall for someone (well, that could be exception--reality is, emotions always play tricks on esp. girls) are these: Can I imagine myself spend the rest of my life with him? Can I grow old with him? Can I hang out with him for a whole day doing nothing and still enjoy that day?

If a guy doesn't think about the future, then all the "fun" I have with him (however much fun and excitement the rel'nship has been), it could end up with a huge disappointment or even bittersweet memories. God designs for marriage to last forever--which means companionship, frieindship and probably stability (at least emotionally)! If continued excitement is called for, and the lack of it eventually grows into a sense of insecurity on my part (not sure if the guy gets bored of me and want to meet new ppl, etc. etc.), the relationship will just turn to a disaster.

When it comes to the topic of relationship, there is just too much to talk about (esp. with girls!). My friends also started discussing about whether we would go out with a guy we truly love but does not really know how to treat us right, or we will just settle with a guy who you only "like" but treasures you a lot... (choosing "to love" vs. "to be loved")...

At least for myself tho, handling relationships--whether that be starting one, maintaining one or terminating one--is indeed too difficult a subject to master... the sad thing is that I don't seem to learn from experience either!!

But that's another totally different story--to be talked about some other time!

Should we or shouldn't we?

Saw "The 40-year old virgin" last night with a few friends. Even though there were quite a number of scenes I didn't get to watch/hear (someone's hand was covering my eyes/ears), and that I really wasn't too comfortable hearing so many swearing words in so little time, overall I did find the movie pretty halirious. I had reservation about watching it in the first place--esp. because it was rated 18A and judging from the title it isn't difficult to figure out what the movie is about--but coming out from the movie I didn't find it that bad at all. Or I should say, I quite enjoyed the 2 hours in the theatre.

(Read this if you have already seen the movie or it will spoil the movie for you:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/movies/reviews/40yearoldvirgin.html )

Anyways... at lunch today after worship, I was talking to a few girlfriends, commenting about the movie and saying that they should go see it. But then I told another gal who I consider a bit more "conservative" not to see this movie because of all the "inappropriate" scenes and foul languages.... She said something to the effect that if it's this kind of movie - why would we want to see it in the first place and subject ourselves to temptations??

I don't know - I thought about this for quite some time after I went home. She does have a good point. Of course my concern isn't so much whether I should see it (some ppl can argue otherwise, but these kinds of movies don't affect me that much--I forget about these plots/scenes too fast), but whether I should recommend my Christian friends to see it. Especially the ones who are younger in faith.

One verse of course always pops up in my mind:

23"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. 24Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. - 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

In light of this insight, does it mean that I had been wrong actually suggesting to some friends that they should see this movie?? Was I being a stumbling block to others? Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial or constructive. I know watching this movie is purely for entertainment - it doesn't add any value to me or others... perhaps the Christian would argue that the inappropriate jokes and language are actually frowned upon by the Apostle Paul (or quite a few of the New testament teachings)--and if we know that God is displeased about such things then why do we still subject ourselves to these knowingly? If I don't think a movie is appropriate in God's eyes then why don't I feel convicted to tell others not to see it? Shouldn't this matter be black and white?

I look around this world. I turn on the TV. I turn on the radio. I pick up a magazine from the newspaper stand. The whole culture is obsessed about sex and hot girls and guys. No where can we go that we can escape from this obsession and live in a sin-free bubble. How should the Christian go about handling this then? Seem to recall somewhere that we are to be "in the world" but not "of the world" (something like that anyways). I can only pray for God to reveal to me His wisdom and discernment... my hope is that people do see me as salt and light and that I don't become a stumbling block to others! I discussed with a few friends about this but I still don't have a conclusion for myself...

Oh well, I don't know. Will need to think more. Too sleepy now...

Sad movies always make me cry

Fri nite I was watching a Korean movie (don't know the English title; something like "Loving left and right") with some friends from church. Whereas everyone seemed to be quite bored at the slow pace of the movie (and started making fun of the main character who looked so dumb), I was totally drawn to the plot absorbing every word of it... towards the end of the movie I was so touched I started sobbing like crazy... Then of course I actually *heard* myself sobbing and found it very funny (esp. in the midst of a group of girls laughing and making jokes) I started laughing and crying at the same time...

Dunno why I can be so emotional when I watch movies. It's as if I can easily treat the movie as real life stories, that I can *feel* the pain experienced by the characters. Last night again I was watching the last episode of a Chinese series (supposedly a funny one); the ending was so sad (main character being sentenced to death by the King who was his best friend, his wife died--all those tear jerking plots) I kept on sobbing, to the point that I almost couldn't breathe! W wasn't sure how to deal with me, so he just gave me a whole box of Kleenex and let me cry by myself at a corner...

Back in the university days my friend and I used to judge how good a movie by the "volume of tears" shed... maybe in the back of my mind I think that we must be able to relate to the movie in order for it to touch us--so whatever movies that can make us cry, that must be a job well done by the filmmaker. Most of the time I don't care so much about the cinematography or how artistic/deep a movie is either...

The bad thing is tho that every time I have such bad headache and sore eyes next morning... I seriously will avoid watching sad movies on a Sat night--esp. when I have to lead worship the next day. I had so much trouble focusing this morning!!