Disappointment

Sometimes I don't know how to handle disappointment.

What if something happens, and you get so disappointed that you cannot control your emotion--yet you know you cannot say anything, and that you still need to be composed and just act as if nothing happens --still nod and smile and continue to encourage. All because you do not want to let people see your disappointment - and because you don't want to be the one who demotivates?

That was me today. Whatever happened itself is not a big deal, but what I have trouble handling is the underlying problem that caused it to happen in the first place. I can't get out of the system, and I feel helpless because I don't see that things will change.

They all say to accept. They all say that God puts in a certain situation because He wants you to learn. And I believe He does. But other than putting a brave face and continues on, I don't know what else to do. I truly have much to learn.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much. On the other hand, I believe that no one is indispensible in any organization/system, so I wouldn't be either. When what I say will start affecting people, I almost want to just leave. Or perhaps it's time to let go.

The need to exercise

I went to hot yoga tonight with a friend. Haven't gone there on a weeknight for a LONG time. It felt really good. After doing it ~4 times this year, I am already regaining some of the flexibility I lost last year as I was struggling with my determination to exercise.

Anyways, I think I'm back. I had my goals of how much exercise I want to do - and hopefully I can get back into it. My friend told me that I motivated her to exercise, and yet now I'm the one who has slacked off and who has put a lot of other things as a higher priority. So even though I kept scheduling gym in my outlook calendar, I keep canceling because at the end of the day I would choose work.

And I really notice the difference. It's not just fat developing in my tummy (which itself won't annoy me THAT much)--but I am lacking the energy that I used to have (well, I suppose I can be getting older too, but I won't allow myself to think in that direction). I know I know - Sleep has a lot to do with it... but still - anyways, I am determined to get back to it. I realize being fit is very important to me. God has given us all a beautiful body to take care of. And we should!

Valentine's

This is my Valentine's present from him :


My favorite tofu dish (plus soup + 1 more main dish, after 2 hours of hard work) - Not bad eh? =) Now I don't have to go to that restaurant on 41st/Fraser anymore!!

Back to the topic of Valentine's Day. Some people hate it, some people do. I don't know how I feel about it. I suppose this date holds dear to me for an entirely different reason--but I won't go there. As for last night, it wasn't very special - no flowers (which was a good call I think; it probably would have been left in Bby anyways). I didn't want to eat out, so we just spent the time cooking and watching TV. Of course, I had unresolved stuff from work that I needed to figure out, so was on the computer a lot. Nonetheless it was good and relaxing.

What would I give up?

We wanted to do something to promote lent this year, so in the past week (and this week), I'm starting to think about how to help kick it off, esp. with the drama team. Purpose really is to increase our awareness and enter into a period of sorrowful reflection remember Christ - His death, His suffering--and later on ending in celebrating His ressurection. I am ashamed to say that before this year I didn't even know what lent is (I know I'm not catholic but I should at least know the origin!)

Anyways, as we are gearing ourselves up into writing different sketches--different questions pop up in mind. We aren't officially "observing lent" in a traditional sense (no fasting, etc.), what should we convey to the congregation exactly thru these sketches? Obviously we don't want to say too much - since it's one's own journey in this period.

Then the second question is more of a practical one for myself - what will I give up??? It seems like now with such an abundance of things being provided for us - we don't know what we should give up? Someone told me that he can't think of anything because he doesn't think it's that hard to give up one thing (even if it's his favorite), because there's something else that's favorite for him that could fill the 40 days....

Are we then missing the point of this liturgical practice? I want to spend sometime for the rest of the week to reflect on this for myself... (well, one thing for sure - I kinda know what I should be giving up!)

The Wife of Noble Character

Quite a few friends of mine are talking about getting married. I was flipping thru the bible last night - couldn't help but stop at Proverbs 31. Hmmm... reading this makes the back of my hand sweat. This is Chinese traditional wife + North American feminist combined... and how many years can she survive getting that little sleep??

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Risk management

Don't know if it's my nature to want to plan most things in my life, I find myself really drawn to the Risk management portion of the PM program. Anyways, this is some food for thought:

Humans have a natural tendency to:
1) Overestimate their risk tolerance;
2) Underestimate the time and amount of money to get things done;
3) Overestimate the precision and accuracy of our judgment.

How true (at least in my own life!)

It's so funny to hear our instructor recount all the stories about her using all the risk analysis tool to make decisions in her life. I suppose it must be a fun trick for her, esp. with her non-analytical husband!

I am told that ever since I started in project management, I treat everything as a project in my life. Wondering when I should start usuing decision tree with W. Mwhhhhhhaaaaa!!!! (but first, I'll convince my boss to buy me the add-on to MS project so that I can play with the risk analysis tool!)

Errrr... W - don't worry, I remember the story of Along came Polly.

Smile that lights up the world

Two hands of a child went up and reached out to me tonight - waiting for my embrace. She didn't know me at all - and when I lifted her up, she smiled--laughed actually. That innocent face melted me completely and reminded once again what beauty is. Yes, and how God's blessings can be so clear even when humans don't think that way.

My thoughts went back to a conversation I had not long ago with my mom, and another one with W. I pray that whatever happens, I will have the strength and the spiritual discernment to do what's right. And I pray that I'll always cherish life. Because every life is God's miracle.

Limit

The belief in my own ability finally backfired, and I'm learning my lesson. There are still long ways to go, but I am definitely more keen on the concept of time and the need to distinguish between work and personal life.

Yah, I think I finally reached my limit. The days are long gone--those days that I could stay up for 72 hours without anyone noticing. I always know I am capable--and I never really care whether others recognize my achievements/contributions; I don't quite mind about moving up in my career either (esp. not w/in this company). What exactly am I trying to prove?? Honestly I don't understand why I put so much effort into this project, and why I am so loyal/attached to it. I try to blame it on my perfectionist nature - but it' s not that either. I don't know.

Suddenly I feel so--human. In all its limitations. And after one day of totally-losing-it (esp after the near-accident), I actually feel good. It's good to be reminded how much I cannot do. And how much I need God. That desire is coming back. Finally.

And wow - how much He has provided for me--someone He put in my life to calm me down... someone who said he loved me.