These days I keep on thinking what my greatest fear is (I posed this question to quite a few small groups/people who I talked to) . I tell everyone that it's loneliness... because I cannot handle thinking too much, having my mind out of control... but the truth of the matter is that I haven't really felt lonely for a long time. Even though one can be lonely when surrounded by people--my sense of that actually has never been too strong.
But today, I finally know my fear. It's R-E-J-E-C-T-I-O-N. The feeling of giving without being appreciated, of pouring out my heart without receiving in return, of trying to express my opinion/feelings without being listened to. That hurt me a lot. With family, with friends--basically with those who I care for the most. Even without a word or with just a gesture or a grimace, I can be so sensitive to feel rejection. Whether it is true rejection or not I do not know (I suspect most of the time it is just over-sensitivity on my part) - but too many times I would already start tearing up... feeling so hurt...
I suppose I'm not the only one. I suppose it is a human nature to want to be accepted... but it's still easier to understand the mentality than to overcome it. I have always thought that I'm a pretty friendly person--and because of that (and wrongly so), I very often assume that there's no reason not to be accepted by anyone...
Perhaps it's also pride too... sometimes I feel that I deserve to be accepted... I don't know - it's the weakest side of me that I need to improve on... most of us think more highly of ourselves than others (even when they don't admit)...
I do wonder how Christ did it. How could He stand being rejected by those He created, by those He loves so much to die for them... what kind of person does it take to learn to do that? I don't think I can EVER comprehend that kind of love, that kind of grace--I can only embrace it with awe, but I don't think I can ever understand or imitate it. Try I will, but... I don't know...
Agape. Being nice to others without asking for return. Everything seems to be related now...
When will I conquer this greatest fear of mine? To see myself as just myself, to embrace myself as is, and not to try to change to please others?
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(Michelle from LA)
I shared your fear of rejection, especially in work setting. I pride myself in good work and good ideas. When they are rejected or ignored, the sense of hurt is unbearable sometimes.
Although I don't know much about Jesus, I think he has that capacity to bear--to bear anything, to bear everything. He knows precisely what he is bearing and the source of that which he is bearing. If one is the child of God, one would inherently have that bearing capacity too, right?
As for how to cultivate that bearing, that's a good question to wonder when contemplating our fear of rejection. There is nothing to try but to try bearing it without judging it. To judge rejection is to reject rejection. Not the greatest feeling for rejection when it is rejected itself!!
Maybe we can listen to our sense of hurt, sense of rejection like we would liked to be listened to. To "overcome" the fear can only skip over it. To understand it is to go through it entirely and bear it like Jesus would.
I tried that myself a couple times. Each time revealed something important to me about the act of bearing.
When I heard the word "reject," in addition to the association of hurt, I also hear "reject" from the plane, casting off to somewhere, thrown...etc. I also looked up the word. The root has something to do with the word "jet" which is a black (coal-color) gem.
Ha...a black gem. Rejection is a hidden gem.
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